On relationships, fuck buddies, society and whatnot

So this post is going to be a bit of a departure from my normal postings of mockery and bitchiness. It's a bit of a rant, and I don't know that anyone will actually read this, but at least 20 years from now I can look back and be impressed at this surreal moment of clarity.

Where to start...


The past few years of my life have been pretty hectic. Some of it good, some of it bad, and when New Years rolled around, I had this feeling that 2011 was going an epic year for me... and I really could not have expected that 2 months into it, I would have gone through so much and learned so much about myself, those around me, and society in general.

In the Beginning
 2010 really was the year I gained control over my life. I dropped the drama from my life, embraced my inner geek/freak (something I haven't done since I moved from California). I separated myself from some unhealthy people and situations, and realized that I didn't always have to be "the bigger person" or the "good guy". My whole life, I have been the person who went out of their way to do nice things for people. Why you ask? Well, a month ago, I would have told you "because everyone should be treated well, and I treat people the way I want to be treated". Makes sense, right?

But wait... let's analyze that for a minute. I was basically saying that I wanted people to go OUT OF THEIR WAY for me... that's a little selfish, no? I don't really think of myself as "selfish", so let's go a bit deeper into this... What am I REALLY expecting of people if I wouldn't want them to go out of their way for me? So, I sit and I think... and I think to myself "well, I do this and I don't ask for anything in return, I do it because I'm a good person"... Now HOLD UP... that's a pretty hefty judgment to make about myself. So as I'm having this inner dialogue, I have an OH SNAP moment... and it hits me like Troy Polamalu: I do this because I want OTHER PEOPLE to sit there and go "gee, she is a really good person! Look how good she is, she does all these nice things for me".

FUCK . MY . LIFE .

Maybe I shouldn't have taken all of those psychology classes that I did... then again, it has been a real eye-opener to realize just HOW much I let other people's opinion of me (or even their perceived opinion of me) affect my own level of self-worth and importance. It also helped me realize that I was most definitely not the only person in the world that cared TOO much about impressing people and making them like me... it's a pretty universal issue that EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON.EVER has experienced, or still experiences at some level. It never goes away, but once we recognize this issue, we can recognize when those feelings are creeping in and making us act like freaking rabid monkeys and doing more harm to our image than if we just chilled the hell out and thought/acted rationally. Shocking concept, right?

So how does this tie in with the title of this post?

It's a Damn Good Thing I Like Puzzles
Without going into too many boring details, I started talking to a guy back in December and it was kind of like getting hit in the face with a bag of bricks. Never in my life did I think I would be able to talk to someone for hours about genetic drift, the awesomeness that is Jim Henson, religion, politics and video games. It didn't hurt that he is attractive as well, and after some time talking and hanging out, it seemed like there was a mutual attraction. I didn't feel the need to push for things to progress, and actually found myself NOT wanting anything serious right away... why ruin something good by forcing it to turn into something serious?

So of course, seeing this person as a friend, I did my usual routine of doing nice shit "because that's how everyone should be treated"... of course, with hindsight, I likely wanted them to see that I was a good chick... Not that it's a bad thing to be seen as a good person, but trying to convince someone by basically becoming their bitch isn't the healthiest way to go about it. Too bad our own quirks aren't immediately obvious to us... psychoanalyzing yourself is a serious pain in the ass, and generally comes AFTER you've seriously fucked shit up. Fantastic.


Anyways, life was great! I had great friends, great classes, a really cool dude to talk to and hang out with occasionally... and then shit hit the fan. Suddenly, I have a friend telling me they tried to commit suicide, and things with the guy pretty much exploded in a fiery ball of what-the-fuck? Things were going well enough one day, and the next day... apparently they don't want to deal with women/friends/relationships... And this was just what happened in the matter of about 1 hour! You can imagine, it was not the best night for me (keep in mind too, that I've had two friends commit suicide in the past 3 years, so I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown over that situation alone... add to that someone else I care about basically telling me that I have no place in their life for absolutely no given reason).

I pretty much felt like the universe had put this shiny gift, a totally happy life with things working out all at the same time, in front of me... and then said "wait no, you don't get ANY of this! MWAHAHAHAA!!!". I felt like somehow, I was doomed to never be lucky, never be loved, never be a good enough friend to keep someone from ending their life... In the middle of my little meltdown, I realized that things like this are usually completely out of my control. Nothing that happened that night was solely my fault, and trying to take care of people without taking care of myself was just ruining my life. I was focusing so much on the issues of other people, that I was neglecting my own issues and my own happiness, so I decided that I would tell the world to fuck off and do shit for myself for the first time in my life, and not care who it pisses off. I would be honest with myself and to those I felt I needed to be more honest with.

Step 1: Selfish time! The day after Hell broke loose on my life, I decided I would take the day off of school and I made an appointment to get my hair cut. I just needed to do something for myself and take a day off to mull things over.

Step 2: Analysis time! I actually tried to do some reading up on how to deal with the situation by helping the people who were lashing out... but in the process, I ended up reading a lot of stuff that really applied to me. It was actually kind of bizarre reading up on the things people do, and ultimately the deeper reason people do those things, or act the way they do.

Step 3: Do something unexpected for myself. Three weeks before the deadline, I decided to apply to the study-abroad program for archaeology. It's going to cost a crap-ton of money, and I'll be out of work for a month, but I get to dig shit up in the Caribbean with my BioArch Bitch Emilie (who was the person who kept pushing me to apply). This trip will be epic, and above all else, it was a totally selfish decision, and dammit, it felt GOOD.

Step 4: Realize what it is about myself that I value... and what I want other people to value about me, in a healthy, and non-needy way. I don't need someone to validate my existence. I want to be respected, and seen as a peer. I want people to see that I'm smart, funny, geeky, rational, understanding, curious, respectful, polite, and so on. I am not a fuck buddy. I will not use the promise of sex as a way to keep a guy around in hopes that it will spark a relationship. If you think allowing yourself to be used as a breathing sex toy will make a man respect you and crave a deep, emotional connection with you... you will probably never date anyone worthwhile, and you will probably continue being used for sex. If you're a man who wants nothing more than a fuck buddy, you need to realize you will never meet a women worth your time. If you complain that you just can't find someone you connect with, you probably don't ACTUALLY  know what you want in a woman. Honestly, men and women need to really think about what they want in a potential partner. Good looks are great, but if you don't have any common ground, the relationship will be shallow and you will most likely be miserable with that person. This also applies to men who believe that "we aren't meant to be monogamous" because "monogamy and marriage are social constructs".

Step 5: Lay the motherfucking smackdown.
As an anthropologist, you learn a thing or two about other cultures. There's a funny little thing about socially-imposed rules and morals... they exist in EVERY culture. They are also different in many cultures, but each culture has some restriction on some aspect of human life. So let's talk about a few things society tells us, shall we?

A. We should be monogamous: Ok, so what most men like to point out is that in our evolutionary   past, we were not bound by socially-constructed institutions like that evil "marriage" thing. In maintaining that humans are not monogamous by nature, you men are not entirely wrong. There are early hominids that were promiscuous, but our earliest known ancestor is believed to have been monogamous. Also, monogamy serves a very important function. If done the right way (meaning the "mating pair" maintains a healthy, long-lasting relationship on the basis of compatibility), then a monogamous relationship ensures that the offspring will have two parents contributing to its upbringing. This is also true in polygamous relationships, but the important factor in either case is that the man is not in fact PROMISCUOUS, but actively mates with, and takes care of, more than one female, and all of the women and children live as a family unit with the man. So fine, the next time a man tells me that "men aren't meant to be monogamous and marriage is just a social construct" I will assure him he can mate with me only if he is prepared to help me raise my offspring. Not to mention, if a man wants to be a stickler about what is "socially imposed" on them, I would like to move on to point B.

B. We must rebel against socially imposed rules that dictate we act against our nature: If you want me to respect this argument, I would like to point out that men being the "tough, macho, emotionless" guy is a sack of horseshit. Your "gender role" is assigned to you once the doctors know if you have a penis or vagina. You are give blue clothes, G.I. Joes and Tonka trucks. You play baseball and football. You're told not to cry when you're hurt, because men don't show their pain like that. Girls are dressed in pink, more likely to participate in things like ballet that are expressive and require the ability to emote.

Interesting fact: The World Health Organization states that gender is the "result of socially constructed ideas about the behavior, actions, and roles a particular sex performs", so the next time a man refuses to talk about his emotions, I will scold him for giving in to societal pressures to live up to a socially imposed set of rules for how people of his physical sex should or shouldn't act. Socially imposed rules also dictate that we cannot breed with immediate family members or eat our young... but how many men will complain about those?

Another point I would like to make is that we are to a degree different than our ancestors. Our ancestors lived in simple societies, comprised of probably no more than a few family groups. The group worked together to ensure the well being and nurturing of the offspring. In today's society, we are told that we should value our independence. That we should move away from our parents and pursue lives outside of their control. Extended family no longer plays the role it used to in society. We stick our children in day-care programs and our elderly in homes so we don't have to deal with them. Obviously, in the days of our ancestors, we didn't have these options. Women carried their babies everywhere they went, and that included the times where they had to gather foodstuffs while the men went hunting. Now, women pursue an education and a career. Speaking of education, our ancestors survived doing nothing but living every day as it came, finding food, protecting themselves and each other... they didn't go to school, they didn't wear nice clothes, they didn't sit for 8 hours a day on a computer either. There is almost NOTHING about modern humans that is truly comparable with our ancestors. Also, there are societies that have reversed gender roles... men are seen as the more emotional sex, and women as the stronger ones. I fully expect men to shed the facade that they are emotionally distant and incapable of being hurt or insecure. I call bullshit sirs.

If you are a man, and you tell me you don't believe in monogamy because it's a social construct that our ancestors didn't have, then I fully expect you to run around naked, hunting your own game and living outside with no amenities. Just saying... you might be happier with a permanent mate and a chance to play some sweet MMORPGs or FPSs while enjoying pizza and beer.
That's right fellas. Wanna shed those pesky moral restrictions in favor of going back to the freedom of those good old days? NO. MORE. BEER. Also, no porn. Australopithecines didn't have beer, porn or video games. But ya know what they had? Lots of sex. Sex with women that were hairy, smelly and had saggy boobs. Those lucky bastards, they had it so well! Damn society and our damn rules!




My note to men: If you're going to use the excuse that our ancestors weren't monogamous, therefore, we shouldn't be either... I will science you to the motherfucking FACE. Come prepared. I love a challenge.



Hell hath no fury like a woman with a degree in anthropology ;)


So all the pieces are falling together in this really crazy puzzle that is my life. Sure some things going on really suck, but I am much happier having had the chance to learn so much about myself and people at 24 years old... things people twice or three times my age haven't figured out yet. I'm a pretty fucked up puzzle, but my pieces are brightly-colored, covered in glitter and glow in the dark. I'm a freak, and I love it.



Concluding This Bitch

I don't say any of this stuff out of anger... if anything, I relish the fact that all of this shit happening to me gave me the opportunity to take care of myself instead of trying to take care of everyone else. I get to hang out with amazing friends, and I get to psychoanalyze the hell out of myself, and research stuff I love to point out that men simply don't know what they're talking about sometimes :) I admit, I like being smart. It's what I love about myself.


So if you ever ask yourself "why should I bother being friends with this person?", I will tell you: you should like me because I'm smart. I love to study astronomy, biology (concentrating in genetics), geology, anthropology, psychology and chemistry. You should like me because I have the ability to study a situation rationally, doing my best to see the perspective of all parties involved. You should like me because while not in the best shape ever, I do eat well and do pilates, at least 3 hours a week. You should like me because I don't feel the need to be pampered, catered to, or spoiled. I can, and enjoy, taking care of myself. I take pride in my ability to not need a man to survive. You should like me because I am a kid at heart. I believe in educating children about the world outside of our own country. I would want my child to grow up bilingual, like I did. You should like me because as much as I take an interest in fashion and presenting myself as a refined woman, I love video games. I love comics. I love anime shows. I love Muppets and shows like Futurama. You should like me because I believe in equality. If I argue with you, I will do my best to only argue points that I can back up.  I don't believe in starting drama or fights out of boredom, and I know when to admit I'm wrong. You should like me because I believe nature and animals are equal with human. I will never treat an animal worse than a human, and I will never treat a human worse than an animal. You should like me because I love to travel, I enjoy a wide variety of music, though I generally do not find happiness in Country music. Sorry. You should like me because I will never drag you to a RomCom you don't want to see. I actually prefer action movies and comedies to anything romantic in nature. My dad had me watching old Jackie Chan movies by the time I was 7/8. Robin Hood: Men in Tights is my favorite movie of all time. Mel Brooks is pretty much a god. You should like me because I like beer. I like it a lot. I don't drink it all the time, because I don't want to be a fatty, but I really like drinking beer. Blue Moon is the bomb. I've never had a Coors, a Budweiser, or a Miller. I don't really plan on ever doing it either. I tend to not enjoy drinking something that looks THAT MUCH like pee. I do admit my use of profanity is at times a bit much, but when writing something THIS long and personal, I have to at least get my frustration out in writing :P

I think I should clarify too that I am in no way, shape, or form mad at the guy for semi-peacing out on me. I understand that sometimes something happens and people just need to deal with it, and while it sucks to get put on the chopping block as a friend/potential interest/whatever, there's not a lot I can do to make someone understand that what they're doing is using a pretty crappy defense mechanism, and it's ok to talk about the shit that is pissing them off, or what emotions they might be trying to avoid dealing with. Society tells us to bottle shit up, but look at where that put us... so many people now go to therapists, and all they really do is make us open up about our feelings, and then they tell us how to deal with those emotions. If we just dealt with them in the first place, starting at a young age, we wouldn't have as many issues as we do these days. This guy once told me "no one wants to be judged", and while I generally agree with that... what does it matter? I mean, honestly, if someone judges you for something, why would you put any value in their words? If they're too shallow or insecure with themselves that they have to resort to demeaning and teasing other people, are they really worth your time?

I want to make this absolutely clear: People who judge you, do so because they are insecure. They cannot deal with their issues, and try to make themselves feel better by telling themselves how much someone else sucks, or they convince themselves they are pretty by nitpicking every physical detail of another human being. They tell you that you'll never find someone, that you'll always be alone. In reality, these people are the ones constantly fearing breakups and loneliness. Everyone is worthy of being loved. Everyone is worthy of having people around them who don't judge their looks or actions, and embrace them for who they are.


I honestly would be surprised if someone read this whole thing... I expect at least ONE person to write "TL;DR". I will give that person a cookie.