These two things I feel are no longer valued by anyone but myself.
What the hell happened to people? All I hear from certain people is how much they miss their friends because they're so loyal... well what the fuck. Are you? No.
And to other friends, what the fuck happened to priorities... men have their "bros before hos" motto, and last I checked, women were supposed to live by at the very least a similar code... but not so.
My hope for humanity is diminishing faster today than ever before... maybe it's just because my body has decided that anything over two beers will make me pissy as fuck (aka not totally sober, but fuck you, I'm conscious of what I'm writing). I don't care who this fucking offends... if I'm pissed off at you, you probably deserve it... well, you deserve me being pissed, but whether or not my ranting and raving is warranted is subject to opinion.
Speaking of opinions, I realize everyone has one... and everyone is entitled to one... but who the fuck do people think they are when they think their opinion is the only right one? Does no one realize that sometimes things aren't the way they seem? Are people SO afraid to admit they're wrong?
You know what? I'm wrong. I'm wrong a lot. I don't like it, and I sure as hell don't like to admit it when I am, but I'm wrong a lot of the time... when I thought humans were capable of acting like mature adults, I was wrong. People stop maturing in high school. I'm looking at you crazy bitch that went off at me at work because you took someone else's drink and said it was yours, then blamed me for not taking your order correctly. Fuck you. When I asked if you wanted 3 drinks total and you said "yes", you agreed to my motherfucking terms of service... that being that I charge you for three drinks, you pay for three drinks, and TAKE ONLY THREE FUCKING DRINKS. Not four. You and your daughter can fuck off. (Note: this happened about a year ago, but I'm using it as an example). Obviously I feel strongly that everyone acts immaturely at times... but goddamit, there just are certain things that aren't worth the fucking effort. People: Get over yourself. You're not god. You don't know everything.
Maybe it's just the culture I grew up in that makes me bitter... sure, no one was perfect, but there was always someone to call if you were having a shitty day. Friendships didn't have to be deep or serious for someone to be there for you... and all of a sudden, it's fucking impossible to find anyone here to talk to when I'm having a shitty day... and when I say "shitty", I don't mean "oh, work was kinda crap, but other than that everything was cool"... NO. I mean hearing "your dad is having serious health issues and refuses to see a doctor about them because he thinks he's lived this far through it that he'll just keep living". A day before I have to leave the country for a month. Because what I REALLY FUCKING NEED right now is to worry for a month that I'm going to get a call from my mom saying she woke up and my dad was fucking dead. Realize that for me, my dad is the world. I love my mom to death, but my dad is my buddy... he's the one person on this planet that REALLY fucking gets me. The ONLY person I have (or had) undending respect for. I don't respect his laughing at my mom and I crying begging him to see a doctor before it's too late.
This is why I don't bother dating... men are too fucking stubborn, and anyone who knows me knows I'm stubborn, so for me to think someone is stubborn is to say that someone could tell you they have blonde hair, be standing right in front of them with blonde hair, and they'd say "no you aren't, you're obviously a red-head".
This is why I specifically surround myself with gay men, and men I would never in a thousand years want to date.... emotional attachment makes people weak, and I refuse to be like the general population. Yes, I am capable of being emotionally attached to someone, but I form those attachments VERY carefully... I'm too aware of people's flaws... the serious ones... to ever let myself give myself 100% to another human being.
But ya know, maybe I'm just bitter... but jesus christ, you would be too if you gave 110% to someone who for damn near 4 years was an emotionally abusive asshole who constantly reminded you how easily you could be replaced. He was also physically abusive... think I'm lying? Check out the bathroom door that was busted down.... sure the maint. crew kinda patched it up, but you can still see where it's split down the middle... also there's that poorly patched hole in the wall. Or that knuckle indentation in my front door (on the inside of the apt.). Or the one time he actually left a bruise... albeit a small one, because he would commonly remind me that he would beat the shit out of me and never leave a mark (it's really quite easy to do... actually...).
Rule #1: NEVER date a man with anger/rage issues. This pretty much rules out me dating any of my guy friends, so I'm pretty set. This also rules me out from dating myself, but I'm fairly sure that's normal.
Rule #2: Never give more of yourself to a person than they give to you... no really... don't. I'm living proof of this, and I still struggle with it. I go balls to the wall for my friends, and when push comes to shove... guess who's a fair weather friend? 99.99% of them. 100% if you're only considering NC... but what should I expect? People to actually be something other than selfish? I really hope whatever these people were doing tonight was more important, and of course more FUN, than sitting at home crying because you're afraid of losing your best friend and have absolutely no one in the area to talk to or you know.... derive any sort of comfort from.
For now, I'm back to drinking beer and watching Bones. When all else fails, I'll always have science... it hasn't let me down so far anyways.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
ooohh boy
In one week, I'll be in the Caribbean, working my ass off at an archaeological dig. God, I hope some of the students from England are good looking... I would definitely not complain... *coughcough* Being single might have its perks after all! :P (quite honestly, I think relationships are bullshit... too many women spread their legs for a quick fuck that men just don't want relationships anymore. Welcome to reality women, time to start living that old saying... "if you can't beat em, join em". Couldn't be more true).
Scared to leave the cats though... I almost need them to fall asleep, as weird as that sounds. It's just part of the routine. I settle in, then Roxie jumps up on kneeds her blanket for a while, then the cats play chase for a few minutes... It's weird to have a quiet room.
I still need to lock down someone to take care of them between the 13th and 23rd... even thinking about this is making me feel queasy. Speaking of... I'm trying to acclimate my stomach to produce the enzymes to digest meat again (at least poultry) so that I don't have such an issue while traveling. Two bites of chicken ramen noodles I had last night was apparently all my stomach can take, because I thought I was going to puke when I woke up. ugh. I'll have to buy a few cups and just have two bites a day and hope by the time I get to Carriacou that anything made with chicken broth won't land me in the hospital. God help me if there's anything with red meat hidden in it... I don't need that experience again. Six hours straight of vomiting. So gross =\
I also have to get my ass working uber hard before I leave. I've been slacking on working out the past few days because my lower back and hips (where the femoral head meets the acetabulum-ish area) has been hurting like a freaking bitch. Oddly enough, it didn't hurt there much the day after the 3.5 hour tennis match, but yesterday, I could barely do anything other than walk. I felt older than the 35 year old with the busted knee I played against... really? Really, it was that bad.
In other news, the graduation party for the anthro/bioarch girls went down today. Somehow, you think a bunch of girls that just graduated college would be slamming shots, but no.... behold! We played on the jungle gym at Christina's apartment, and played with hula hoops. While drinking beer of course. There was also a lot of Guitar Hero and Rock Band being played. The poor neighbors probably never want to hear "Living on a Prayer" after our rendition. We were obviously just THAT good >_>
I pretty much killed at the guitar. Quite literally, I killed my portion of the song because I just could not keep up with certain parts of songs. Other parts I rocked on, but not as many as the parts I missed beats and shit. Le sad :(
It was fun to talk to Christina's bf (Michael) about periods... and him having to remove a condom from a chick who couldn't get it out (when he worked at the hospital). I think I'd die before going to a hospital for that... that's just downright mortifying. Grab some chopsticks and Mr. Miyagi that shit... don't make some poor grad student do the dirty work for you lol!
Ugh, alrighty, off to bed. Tired as hell after all that hard work rocking out on a fake guitar mwahaha ;)
Props to my buddy Andy who has been bullshitting with me for the past 2.5 hours about how awesome it is to be intelligent, but how much it fucks over your life, and how you view relationships (basically, they're pointless... glad we cleared that up! :P). Glad to have you as a friend for as long as I have!
~DH
Scared to leave the cats though... I almost need them to fall asleep, as weird as that sounds. It's just part of the routine. I settle in, then Roxie jumps up on kneeds her blanket for a while, then the cats play chase for a few minutes... It's weird to have a quiet room.
I still need to lock down someone to take care of them between the 13th and 23rd... even thinking about this is making me feel queasy. Speaking of... I'm trying to acclimate my stomach to produce the enzymes to digest meat again (at least poultry) so that I don't have such an issue while traveling. Two bites of chicken ramen noodles I had last night was apparently all my stomach can take, because I thought I was going to puke when I woke up. ugh. I'll have to buy a few cups and just have two bites a day and hope by the time I get to Carriacou that anything made with chicken broth won't land me in the hospital. God help me if there's anything with red meat hidden in it... I don't need that experience again. Six hours straight of vomiting. So gross =\
I also have to get my ass working uber hard before I leave. I've been slacking on working out the past few days because my lower back and hips (where the femoral head meets the acetabulum-ish area) has been hurting like a freaking bitch. Oddly enough, it didn't hurt there much the day after the 3.5 hour tennis match, but yesterday, I could barely do anything other than walk. I felt older than the 35 year old with the busted knee I played against... really? Really, it was that bad.
In other news, the graduation party for the anthro/bioarch girls went down today. Somehow, you think a bunch of girls that just graduated college would be slamming shots, but no.... behold! We played on the jungle gym at Christina's apartment, and played with hula hoops. While drinking beer of course. There was also a lot of Guitar Hero and Rock Band being played. The poor neighbors probably never want to hear "Living on a Prayer" after our rendition. We were obviously just THAT good >_>
I pretty much killed at the guitar. Quite literally, I killed my portion of the song because I just could not keep up with certain parts of songs. Other parts I rocked on, but not as many as the parts I missed beats and shit. Le sad :(
It was fun to talk to Christina's bf (Michael) about periods... and him having to remove a condom from a chick who couldn't get it out (when he worked at the hospital). I think I'd die before going to a hospital for that... that's just downright mortifying. Grab some chopsticks and Mr. Miyagi that shit... don't make some poor grad student do the dirty work for you lol!
Ugh, alrighty, off to bed. Tired as hell after all that hard work rocking out on a fake guitar mwahaha ;)
Props to my buddy Andy who has been bullshitting with me for the past 2.5 hours about how awesome it is to be intelligent, but how much it fucks over your life, and how you view relationships (basically, they're pointless... glad we cleared that up! :P). Glad to have you as a friend for as long as I have!
~DH
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Damned if you do, damned if you don't...
It pains me to think I'd have to write an actual blog about this, but it's gotten to the point I can't just accept certain shit... some things just aren't acceptable to me. It doesn't mean I'm being a bitch, catty, or starting drama. I just value the freedom I have to defend myself, because it seems I have recently come under scrutiny I don't deserve.
For anyone reading this blog that doesn't actually know me, but knows of me through a mutual friend, I ask you to respect the fact that I am friends with that person... nothing sneaky or hidden about it, simply two people who hang out sometimes. I realize that a particularly long post in the past may mislead one into thinking that my emotional process is the same now as it was back then... and again, I would like to clarify that just as the seasons change, so do people, and their emotions. It is perfectly acceptable, and behold, possible, for someone to realize that letting emotions muck up a cool friendship is just asinine. It is not JUST men that possess the ability to disconnect emotions and logic. Emotions are too easily influenced by hormones. Little bitty things floating about the brain making humans act like freaking idiots in the absence of higher cognitive abilities. I, for one, have taken great pride in my ability to shirk the insanity of overly emotionally investing in someone. Does that mean I am void of all emotions? I think it's safe to assume that is not the case, or else I wouldn't be writing this.
The point: I'm hurt.
I know, this isn't an emotion most people admit to... hell, I don't know many people that admit to this, but tonight, it's true. I'm hurt that people I don't know feel it is their right to comment on a blog influenced by a particularly shitty point in my life, where someone I considered a friend pretty much dropped me like a hot piece of shit. Am I bitter about it? Nope. Am I still hurt? Honestly, I think something like that will always hurt a person, and you'll always wonder if they'll do it again... but it's not something I obsess over. But, as I tend to be very observant of peoples' behavioral patterns, I will always remember that situation. I understand people do shitty things to others sometimes... Tonight's been an ultra shitty night for me (I mean... I don't know anyone who would argue that debilitating cramps qualify as something really bad, and then there was that guy that decided to walk out in front of my car while I was driving about 60mph. Seriously, I wish I could make that up... thank god for good brakes =\)
Back to the point: Why am I hurt?
So as I explained before... I like to keep my life private... as much as I can anyways. Not that I'm sneaky, I just don't like being judged. To make this concept easier, I posit a scenario.
Imagine for a minute, that you are a mother. If you are, that helps. Imagine now, that you are the mother to a young girl. If this is also the case, I think you'll be on board with me on this... Now, imagine your daughter, who works, goes to school full time (and works her ass off at it), does her best to treat people with respect and kindness... is friends with someone of the opposite sex. Now, imagine your daughter finding out that the ex's of said friend are reading her blog and making assumptions about the nature of her friendship with the guy... Now, imagine that your daughter is hurt by all of this. How would you, as her mother, feel?
I am just a daughter. I am a girl who was bullied from the time I started preschool to the time I started high school. If you are a mother, has your child ever been bullied? I don't wish to step outside of any boundaries here, but I think there may be one person out there whose child has been bullied, harassed, teased... and I have, on several occasions, offered to beat the snot out of anyone who messes with your child. I don't even know you, but I know how absolutely devastating it is to go through that... I know what it's like to go through the first 23 years of your life questioning your value as a human being, because there was always someone who would find a reason why I wasn't worth being kind to, or loved.
I am not a slut, a bimbo, easy, or desperate. I actually, and honestly, question if the concept of love is relevant in our current society. So many women are more than happy to spread their legs for a guy, that men pretty much don't have an incentive to be in a monogamous relationship anymore... I'm sure there are a small handful out there, I just think most of them are from the same generation as my dad... and that's just a little too old for me to be dating. For this reason, I limit my relationship with men to non-dating relationships. It just saves me from a lot of drama and emotional crappitude. I am in possession of this thing called a uterus, which means I'm pretty much DOOMED to have temporary lapses in sanity and turn into a pile of crying wreck. It happens. I just try to limit how often, and when those days happen... rarely do I ever experience these days around other people, and I feel REALLY uncomfortable having anyone see me in any sort of emotional state. I'm pretty much a guy with boobs, and all the... you know... female plumbing parts lol.
Please understand, I do not mean for this blog to start drama. I don't know any of the people who have commented on me, and I have no anger towards you... I just want you to understand that I am a human being, just like you. I have feelings that get hurt, just like you. I feel sad and lonely sometimes, just like you. In the future, should I choose to post something of an emotional nature that you feel inclined to comment on, I encourage you to contact me yourself... I treat respect with equal, if not greater, respect. Should you even just want to ask something about who I am, why I post certain stuff, whatever... you can ask me what my favorite Broadway show tune is... I don't mind. But please, don't say stuff about me without knowing me. I don't ask for much more.
So in this instance, I'm screwed... damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't stand up for myself, I let people know that it's cool to talk about me when you don't know me... and I'm damned if I DO type this, because it might start drama... something I don't want :)
Just in case:
If you want to know some stuff about me, I'll give you the basic rundown...
*I have always been, and will always be, a nerd. I cannot tell you how many books on astronomy I've read... Nor can I tell you how many times I re-read my Zoobooks as a kid. Ok, I can, sort of... While at the San Diego Wild Animal Park, a tour guide asked my classmates and I (5th grade at the time), if we could guess how many species of tigers were extinct. I happily submitted my "guess" along with the names of all extinct tigers, and their habitat areas.... Needless to say, the look on his face was pretty dang priceless.
*My mom forced me to take tae kwon do as a kid (7yrs) so I could learn how to defend myself. I figured it was pointless and boring, but there was no reasoning with her... I finally started liking it when I started sparring as a yellow belt. I overheard a boy my age saying "I don't want to spar with her, she's a girl!". From that moment on, I made it my life's goal to go out of my way to prove people wrong. 2.5 years later, I tested for my black belt, and nearly knocked one of the two boys I was sparring unconscious. To this day, my old instructor still asks me if I "remember that time you almost knocked out one of the Nelson boys?". I do. It was pretty freaking sweet ;) ALSO: After talking to a few tae kwon do studios, as well as my old instructor, the test I was made to do for my 1st degree black belt test is what most places do for their SECOND. That's right, at the tender age of 9, I was technically a 2nd degree black belt. My test included:
1. Read "The Art of War", and write a 3-page book report on it. Yikes.
2. Weapons training (guns at the shooting range - knives and bamboo fighting sticks at the studio)
3. Field training. Literally. In a field. We were forced to climb and jump chain link fences. That was pretty gnarly actually.
4.Day one: the forms, 2 v 1 sparring, dong bong step routine (the bamboo sticks), board breaking and brick breaking
5. Day 2: 5 mile run (in So Cal in April... death). 1 lap hurdles, 1 lap hopping on each foot (just in case you ever had to run away with a broken foot, you'd be all over it). Bleachers (20 sets I think), push-ups, sit-ups, and had to be able to do the splits from front-to-back, as well as side-to-side splits.
6. I'm kind of a sports nut. There almost isn't any major sport I didn't do as a kid... ballet, gymnastics, tennis, ice skating, basketball, volleyball, soccer, softball, and you get the idea.
*I could live on the National Geographic channel... it's pretty much on all day :)
*I'm getting my degree in bioarchaeology :D
*I've always been in love with cats.
there's more, but I'm exhausted!! ugh :(
For anyone reading this blog that doesn't actually know me, but knows of me through a mutual friend, I ask you to respect the fact that I am friends with that person... nothing sneaky or hidden about it, simply two people who hang out sometimes. I realize that a particularly long post in the past may mislead one into thinking that my emotional process is the same now as it was back then... and again, I would like to clarify that just as the seasons change, so do people, and their emotions. It is perfectly acceptable, and behold, possible, for someone to realize that letting emotions muck up a cool friendship is just asinine. It is not JUST men that possess the ability to disconnect emotions and logic. Emotions are too easily influenced by hormones. Little bitty things floating about the brain making humans act like freaking idiots in the absence of higher cognitive abilities. I, for one, have taken great pride in my ability to shirk the insanity of overly emotionally investing in someone. Does that mean I am void of all emotions? I think it's safe to assume that is not the case, or else I wouldn't be writing this.
The point: I'm hurt.
I know, this isn't an emotion most people admit to... hell, I don't know many people that admit to this, but tonight, it's true. I'm hurt that people I don't know feel it is their right to comment on a blog influenced by a particularly shitty point in my life, where someone I considered a friend pretty much dropped me like a hot piece of shit. Am I bitter about it? Nope. Am I still hurt? Honestly, I think something like that will always hurt a person, and you'll always wonder if they'll do it again... but it's not something I obsess over. But, as I tend to be very observant of peoples' behavioral patterns, I will always remember that situation. I understand people do shitty things to others sometimes... Tonight's been an ultra shitty night for me (I mean... I don't know anyone who would argue that debilitating cramps qualify as something really bad, and then there was that guy that decided to walk out in front of my car while I was driving about 60mph. Seriously, I wish I could make that up... thank god for good brakes =\)
Back to the point: Why am I hurt?
So as I explained before... I like to keep my life private... as much as I can anyways. Not that I'm sneaky, I just don't like being judged. To make this concept easier, I posit a scenario.
Imagine for a minute, that you are a mother. If you are, that helps. Imagine now, that you are the mother to a young girl. If this is also the case, I think you'll be on board with me on this... Now, imagine your daughter, who works, goes to school full time (and works her ass off at it), does her best to treat people with respect and kindness... is friends with someone of the opposite sex. Now, imagine your daughter finding out that the ex's of said friend are reading her blog and making assumptions about the nature of her friendship with the guy... Now, imagine that your daughter is hurt by all of this. How would you, as her mother, feel?
I am just a daughter. I am a girl who was bullied from the time I started preschool to the time I started high school. If you are a mother, has your child ever been bullied? I don't wish to step outside of any boundaries here, but I think there may be one person out there whose child has been bullied, harassed, teased... and I have, on several occasions, offered to beat the snot out of anyone who messes with your child. I don't even know you, but I know how absolutely devastating it is to go through that... I know what it's like to go through the first 23 years of your life questioning your value as a human being, because there was always someone who would find a reason why I wasn't worth being kind to, or loved.
I am not a slut, a bimbo, easy, or desperate. I actually, and honestly, question if the concept of love is relevant in our current society. So many women are more than happy to spread their legs for a guy, that men pretty much don't have an incentive to be in a monogamous relationship anymore... I'm sure there are a small handful out there, I just think most of them are from the same generation as my dad... and that's just a little too old for me to be dating. For this reason, I limit my relationship with men to non-dating relationships. It just saves me from a lot of drama and emotional crappitude. I am in possession of this thing called a uterus, which means I'm pretty much DOOMED to have temporary lapses in sanity and turn into a pile of crying wreck. It happens. I just try to limit how often, and when those days happen... rarely do I ever experience these days around other people, and I feel REALLY uncomfortable having anyone see me in any sort of emotional state. I'm pretty much a guy with boobs, and all the... you know... female plumbing parts lol.
Please understand, I do not mean for this blog to start drama. I don't know any of the people who have commented on me, and I have no anger towards you... I just want you to understand that I am a human being, just like you. I have feelings that get hurt, just like you. I feel sad and lonely sometimes, just like you. In the future, should I choose to post something of an emotional nature that you feel inclined to comment on, I encourage you to contact me yourself... I treat respect with equal, if not greater, respect. Should you even just want to ask something about who I am, why I post certain stuff, whatever... you can ask me what my favorite Broadway show tune is... I don't mind. But please, don't say stuff about me without knowing me. I don't ask for much more.
So in this instance, I'm screwed... damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't stand up for myself, I let people know that it's cool to talk about me when you don't know me... and I'm damned if I DO type this, because it might start drama... something I don't want :)
Just in case:
If you want to know some stuff about me, I'll give you the basic rundown...
*I have always been, and will always be, a nerd. I cannot tell you how many books on astronomy I've read... Nor can I tell you how many times I re-read my Zoobooks as a kid. Ok, I can, sort of... While at the San Diego Wild Animal Park, a tour guide asked my classmates and I (5th grade at the time), if we could guess how many species of tigers were extinct. I happily submitted my "guess" along with the names of all extinct tigers, and their habitat areas.... Needless to say, the look on his face was pretty dang priceless.
*My mom forced me to take tae kwon do as a kid (7yrs) so I could learn how to defend myself. I figured it was pointless and boring, but there was no reasoning with her... I finally started liking it when I started sparring as a yellow belt. I overheard a boy my age saying "I don't want to spar with her, she's a girl!". From that moment on, I made it my life's goal to go out of my way to prove people wrong. 2.5 years later, I tested for my black belt, and nearly knocked one of the two boys I was sparring unconscious. To this day, my old instructor still asks me if I "remember that time you almost knocked out one of the Nelson boys?". I do. It was pretty freaking sweet ;) ALSO: After talking to a few tae kwon do studios, as well as my old instructor, the test I was made to do for my 1st degree black belt test is what most places do for their SECOND. That's right, at the tender age of 9, I was technically a 2nd degree black belt. My test included:
1. Read "The Art of War", and write a 3-page book report on it. Yikes.
2. Weapons training (guns at the shooting range - knives and bamboo fighting sticks at the studio)
3. Field training. Literally. In a field. We were forced to climb and jump chain link fences. That was pretty gnarly actually.
4.Day one: the forms, 2 v 1 sparring, dong bong step routine (the bamboo sticks), board breaking and brick breaking
5. Day 2: 5 mile run (in So Cal in April... death). 1 lap hurdles, 1 lap hopping on each foot (just in case you ever had to run away with a broken foot, you'd be all over it). Bleachers (20 sets I think), push-ups, sit-ups, and had to be able to do the splits from front-to-back, as well as side-to-side splits.
6. I'm kind of a sports nut. There almost isn't any major sport I didn't do as a kid... ballet, gymnastics, tennis, ice skating, basketball, volleyball, soccer, softball, and you get the idea.
*I could live on the National Geographic channel... it's pretty much on all day :)
*I'm getting my degree in bioarchaeology :D
*I've always been in love with cats.
there's more, but I'm exhausted!! ugh :(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)