It pains me to think I'd have to write an actual blog about this, but it's gotten to the point I can't just accept certain shit... some things just aren't acceptable to me. It doesn't mean I'm being a bitch, catty, or starting drama. I just value the freedom I have to defend myself, because it seems I have recently come under scrutiny I don't deserve.
For anyone reading this blog that doesn't actually know me, but knows of me through a mutual friend, I ask you to respect the fact that I am friends with that person... nothing sneaky or hidden about it, simply two people who hang out sometimes. I realize that a particularly long post in the past may mislead one into thinking that my emotional process is the same now as it was back then... and again, I would like to clarify that just as the seasons change, so do people, and their emotions. It is perfectly acceptable, and behold, possible, for someone to realize that letting emotions muck up a cool friendship is just asinine. It is not JUST men that possess the ability to disconnect emotions and logic. Emotions are too easily influenced by hormones. Little bitty things floating about the brain making humans act like freaking idiots in the absence of higher cognitive abilities. I, for one, have taken great pride in my ability to shirk the insanity of overly emotionally investing in someone. Does that mean I am void of all emotions? I think it's safe to assume that is not the case, or else I wouldn't be writing this.
The point: I'm hurt.
I know, this isn't an emotion most people admit to... hell, I don't know many people that admit to this, but tonight, it's true. I'm hurt that people I don't know feel it is their right to comment on a blog influenced by a particularly shitty point in my life, where someone I considered a friend pretty much dropped me like a hot piece of shit. Am I bitter about it? Nope. Am I still hurt? Honestly, I think something like that will always hurt a person, and you'll always wonder if they'll do it again... but it's not something I obsess over. But, as I tend to be very observant of peoples' behavioral patterns, I will always remember that situation. I understand people do shitty things to others sometimes... Tonight's been an ultra shitty night for me (I mean... I don't know anyone who would argue that debilitating cramps qualify as something really bad, and then there was that guy that decided to walk out in front of my car while I was driving about 60mph. Seriously, I wish I could make that up... thank god for good brakes =\)
Back to the point: Why am I hurt?
So as I explained before... I like to keep my life private... as much as I can anyways. Not that I'm sneaky, I just don't like being judged. To make this concept easier, I posit a scenario.
Imagine for a minute, that you are a mother. If you are, that helps. Imagine now, that you are the mother to a young girl. If this is also the case, I think you'll be on board with me on this... Now, imagine your daughter, who works, goes to school full time (and works her ass off at it), does her best to treat people with respect and kindness... is friends with someone of the opposite sex. Now, imagine your daughter finding out that the ex's of said friend are reading her blog and making assumptions about the nature of her friendship with the guy... Now, imagine that your daughter is hurt by all of this. How would you, as her mother, feel?
I am just a daughter. I am a girl who was bullied from the time I started preschool to the time I started high school. If you are a mother, has your child ever been bullied? I don't wish to step outside of any boundaries here, but I think there may be one person out there whose child has been bullied, harassed, teased... and I have, on several occasions, offered to beat the snot out of anyone who messes with your child. I don't even know you, but I know how absolutely devastating it is to go through that... I know what it's like to go through the first 23 years of your life questioning your value as a human being, because there was always someone who would find a reason why I wasn't worth being kind to, or loved.
I am not a slut, a bimbo, easy, or desperate. I actually, and honestly, question if the concept of love is relevant in our current society. So many women are more than happy to spread their legs for a guy, that men pretty much don't have an incentive to be in a monogamous relationship anymore... I'm sure there are a small handful out there, I just think most of them are from the same generation as my dad... and that's just a little too old for me to be dating. For this reason, I limit my relationship with men to non-dating relationships. It just saves me from a lot of drama and emotional crappitude. I am in possession of this thing called a uterus, which means I'm pretty much DOOMED to have temporary lapses in sanity and turn into a pile of crying wreck. It happens. I just try to limit how often, and when those days happen... rarely do I ever experience these days around other people, and I feel REALLY uncomfortable having anyone see me in any sort of emotional state. I'm pretty much a guy with boobs, and all the... you know... female plumbing parts lol.
Please understand, I do not mean for this blog to start drama. I don't know any of the people who have commented on me, and I have no anger towards you... I just want you to understand that I am a human being, just like you. I have feelings that get hurt, just like you. I feel sad and lonely sometimes, just like you. In the future, should I choose to post something of an emotional nature that you feel inclined to comment on, I encourage you to contact me yourself... I treat respect with equal, if not greater, respect. Should you even just want to ask something about who I am, why I post certain stuff, whatever... you can ask me what my favorite Broadway show tune is... I don't mind. But please, don't say stuff about me without knowing me. I don't ask for much more.
So in this instance, I'm screwed... damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't stand up for myself, I let people know that it's cool to talk about me when you don't know me... and I'm damned if I DO type this, because it might start drama... something I don't want :)
Just in case:
If you want to know some stuff about me, I'll give you the basic rundown...
*I have always been, and will always be, a nerd. I cannot tell you how many books on astronomy I've read... Nor can I tell you how many times I re-read my Zoobooks as a kid. Ok, I can, sort of... While at the San Diego Wild Animal Park, a tour guide asked my classmates and I (5th grade at the time), if we could guess how many species of tigers were extinct. I happily submitted my "guess" along with the names of all extinct tigers, and their habitat areas.... Needless to say, the look on his face was pretty dang priceless.
*My mom forced me to take tae kwon do as a kid (7yrs) so I could learn how to defend myself. I figured it was pointless and boring, but there was no reasoning with her... I finally started liking it when I started sparring as a yellow belt. I overheard a boy my age saying "I don't want to spar with her, she's a girl!". From that moment on, I made it my life's goal to go out of my way to prove people wrong. 2.5 years later, I tested for my black belt, and nearly knocked one of the two boys I was sparring unconscious. To this day, my old instructor still asks me if I "remember that time you almost knocked out one of the Nelson boys?". I do. It was pretty freaking sweet ;) ALSO: After talking to a few tae kwon do studios, as well as my old instructor, the test I was made to do for my 1st degree black belt test is what most places do for their SECOND. That's right, at the tender age of 9, I was technically a 2nd degree black belt. My test included:
1. Read "The Art of War", and write a 3-page book report on it. Yikes.
2. Weapons training (guns at the shooting range - knives and bamboo fighting sticks at the studio)
3. Field training. Literally. In a field. We were forced to climb and jump chain link fences. That was pretty gnarly actually.
4.Day one: the forms, 2 v 1 sparring, dong bong step routine (the bamboo sticks), board breaking and brick breaking
5. Day 2: 5 mile run (in So Cal in April... death). 1 lap hurdles, 1 lap hopping on each foot (just in case you ever had to run away with a broken foot, you'd be all over it). Bleachers (20 sets I think), push-ups, sit-ups, and had to be able to do the splits from front-to-back, as well as side-to-side splits.
6. I'm kind of a sports nut. There almost isn't any major sport I didn't do as a kid... ballet, gymnastics, tennis, ice skating, basketball, volleyball, soccer, softball, and you get the idea.
*I could live on the National Geographic channel... it's pretty much on all day :)
*I'm getting my degree in bioarchaeology :D
*I've always been in love with cats.
there's more, but I'm exhausted!! ugh :(
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