Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sometimes what you want in life is not what life wants for you
Many times in my life, I've assumed that how things were at that time would always stay like that. I always thought that certain friends would be there for me. I always figured certain people would be loyal and decent. Instead, certain friends have forgotten my existence because they're in a relationship, and their significant other takes up all of their time. Others went from being my support system, to being the ones starting drama and talking shit about me. Other friends that weren't my support system before are now the ones who are my closest friends. It's never easy to start a new phase in your life, and when you're in the process, you never realize how it can be for the best... but in this time, I have come to appreciate those who appreciate me. It might sound selfish, but you don't realize how much you need a friendship like that until you have it. I think myself lucky to have had the chance to lose some friends in order to not take for granted those who stick around. Those friends that let you be a hyper-stressed and hormonal psychotic mess and help you calm down and cheer you up... or sometimes they just try to smack some sense into you... or drink beer, eat 5-layer dip and watch science shows with you.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Loyalty and Priorities
These two things I feel are no longer valued by anyone but myself.
What the hell happened to people? All I hear from certain people is how much they miss their friends because they're so loyal... well what the fuck. Are you? No.
And to other friends, what the fuck happened to priorities... men have their "bros before hos" motto, and last I checked, women were supposed to live by at the very least a similar code... but not so.
My hope for humanity is diminishing faster today than ever before... maybe it's just because my body has decided that anything over two beers will make me pissy as fuck (aka not totally sober, but fuck you, I'm conscious of what I'm writing). I don't care who this fucking offends... if I'm pissed off at you, you probably deserve it... well, you deserve me being pissed, but whether or not my ranting and raving is warranted is subject to opinion.
Speaking of opinions, I realize everyone has one... and everyone is entitled to one... but who the fuck do people think they are when they think their opinion is the only right one? Does no one realize that sometimes things aren't the way they seem? Are people SO afraid to admit they're wrong?
You know what? I'm wrong. I'm wrong a lot. I don't like it, and I sure as hell don't like to admit it when I am, but I'm wrong a lot of the time... when I thought humans were capable of acting like mature adults, I was wrong. People stop maturing in high school. I'm looking at you crazy bitch that went off at me at work because you took someone else's drink and said it was yours, then blamed me for not taking your order correctly. Fuck you. When I asked if you wanted 3 drinks total and you said "yes", you agreed to my motherfucking terms of service... that being that I charge you for three drinks, you pay for three drinks, and TAKE ONLY THREE FUCKING DRINKS. Not four. You and your daughter can fuck off. (Note: this happened about a year ago, but I'm using it as an example). Obviously I feel strongly that everyone acts immaturely at times... but goddamit, there just are certain things that aren't worth the fucking effort. People: Get over yourself. You're not god. You don't know everything.
Maybe it's just the culture I grew up in that makes me bitter... sure, no one was perfect, but there was always someone to call if you were having a shitty day. Friendships didn't have to be deep or serious for someone to be there for you... and all of a sudden, it's fucking impossible to find anyone here to talk to when I'm having a shitty day... and when I say "shitty", I don't mean "oh, work was kinda crap, but other than that everything was cool"... NO. I mean hearing "your dad is having serious health issues and refuses to see a doctor about them because he thinks he's lived this far through it that he'll just keep living". A day before I have to leave the country for a month. Because what I REALLY FUCKING NEED right now is to worry for a month that I'm going to get a call from my mom saying she woke up and my dad was fucking dead. Realize that for me, my dad is the world. I love my mom to death, but my dad is my buddy... he's the one person on this planet that REALLY fucking gets me. The ONLY person I have (or had) undending respect for. I don't respect his laughing at my mom and I crying begging him to see a doctor before it's too late.
This is why I don't bother dating... men are too fucking stubborn, and anyone who knows me knows I'm stubborn, so for me to think someone is stubborn is to say that someone could tell you they have blonde hair, be standing right in front of them with blonde hair, and they'd say "no you aren't, you're obviously a red-head".
This is why I specifically surround myself with gay men, and men I would never in a thousand years want to date.... emotional attachment makes people weak, and I refuse to be like the general population. Yes, I am capable of being emotionally attached to someone, but I form those attachments VERY carefully... I'm too aware of people's flaws... the serious ones... to ever let myself give myself 100% to another human being.
But ya know, maybe I'm just bitter... but jesus christ, you would be too if you gave 110% to someone who for damn near 4 years was an emotionally abusive asshole who constantly reminded you how easily you could be replaced. He was also physically abusive... think I'm lying? Check out the bathroom door that was busted down.... sure the maint. crew kinda patched it up, but you can still see where it's split down the middle... also there's that poorly patched hole in the wall. Or that knuckle indentation in my front door (on the inside of the apt.). Or the one time he actually left a bruise... albeit a small one, because he would commonly remind me that he would beat the shit out of me and never leave a mark (it's really quite easy to do... actually...).
Rule #1: NEVER date a man with anger/rage issues. This pretty much rules out me dating any of my guy friends, so I'm pretty set. This also rules me out from dating myself, but I'm fairly sure that's normal.
Rule #2: Never give more of yourself to a person than they give to you... no really... don't. I'm living proof of this, and I still struggle with it. I go balls to the wall for my friends, and when push comes to shove... guess who's a fair weather friend? 99.99% of them. 100% if you're only considering NC... but what should I expect? People to actually be something other than selfish? I really hope whatever these people were doing tonight was more important, and of course more FUN, than sitting at home crying because you're afraid of losing your best friend and have absolutely no one in the area to talk to or you know.... derive any sort of comfort from.
For now, I'm back to drinking beer and watching Bones. When all else fails, I'll always have science... it hasn't let me down so far anyways.
What the hell happened to people? All I hear from certain people is how much they miss their friends because they're so loyal... well what the fuck. Are you? No.
And to other friends, what the fuck happened to priorities... men have their "bros before hos" motto, and last I checked, women were supposed to live by at the very least a similar code... but not so.
My hope for humanity is diminishing faster today than ever before... maybe it's just because my body has decided that anything over two beers will make me pissy as fuck (aka not totally sober, but fuck you, I'm conscious of what I'm writing). I don't care who this fucking offends... if I'm pissed off at you, you probably deserve it... well, you deserve me being pissed, but whether or not my ranting and raving is warranted is subject to opinion.
Speaking of opinions, I realize everyone has one... and everyone is entitled to one... but who the fuck do people think they are when they think their opinion is the only right one? Does no one realize that sometimes things aren't the way they seem? Are people SO afraid to admit they're wrong?
You know what? I'm wrong. I'm wrong a lot. I don't like it, and I sure as hell don't like to admit it when I am, but I'm wrong a lot of the time... when I thought humans were capable of acting like mature adults, I was wrong. People stop maturing in high school. I'm looking at you crazy bitch that went off at me at work because you took someone else's drink and said it was yours, then blamed me for not taking your order correctly. Fuck you. When I asked if you wanted 3 drinks total and you said "yes", you agreed to my motherfucking terms of service... that being that I charge you for three drinks, you pay for three drinks, and TAKE ONLY THREE FUCKING DRINKS. Not four. You and your daughter can fuck off. (Note: this happened about a year ago, but I'm using it as an example). Obviously I feel strongly that everyone acts immaturely at times... but goddamit, there just are certain things that aren't worth the fucking effort. People: Get over yourself. You're not god. You don't know everything.
Maybe it's just the culture I grew up in that makes me bitter... sure, no one was perfect, but there was always someone to call if you were having a shitty day. Friendships didn't have to be deep or serious for someone to be there for you... and all of a sudden, it's fucking impossible to find anyone here to talk to when I'm having a shitty day... and when I say "shitty", I don't mean "oh, work was kinda crap, but other than that everything was cool"... NO. I mean hearing "your dad is having serious health issues and refuses to see a doctor about them because he thinks he's lived this far through it that he'll just keep living". A day before I have to leave the country for a month. Because what I REALLY FUCKING NEED right now is to worry for a month that I'm going to get a call from my mom saying she woke up and my dad was fucking dead. Realize that for me, my dad is the world. I love my mom to death, but my dad is my buddy... he's the one person on this planet that REALLY fucking gets me. The ONLY person I have (or had) undending respect for. I don't respect his laughing at my mom and I crying begging him to see a doctor before it's too late.
This is why I don't bother dating... men are too fucking stubborn, and anyone who knows me knows I'm stubborn, so for me to think someone is stubborn is to say that someone could tell you they have blonde hair, be standing right in front of them with blonde hair, and they'd say "no you aren't, you're obviously a red-head".
This is why I specifically surround myself with gay men, and men I would never in a thousand years want to date.... emotional attachment makes people weak, and I refuse to be like the general population. Yes, I am capable of being emotionally attached to someone, but I form those attachments VERY carefully... I'm too aware of people's flaws... the serious ones... to ever let myself give myself 100% to another human being.
But ya know, maybe I'm just bitter... but jesus christ, you would be too if you gave 110% to someone who for damn near 4 years was an emotionally abusive asshole who constantly reminded you how easily you could be replaced. He was also physically abusive... think I'm lying? Check out the bathroom door that was busted down.... sure the maint. crew kinda patched it up, but you can still see where it's split down the middle... also there's that poorly patched hole in the wall. Or that knuckle indentation in my front door (on the inside of the apt.). Or the one time he actually left a bruise... albeit a small one, because he would commonly remind me that he would beat the shit out of me and never leave a mark (it's really quite easy to do... actually...).
Rule #1: NEVER date a man with anger/rage issues. This pretty much rules out me dating any of my guy friends, so I'm pretty set. This also rules me out from dating myself, but I'm fairly sure that's normal.
Rule #2: Never give more of yourself to a person than they give to you... no really... don't. I'm living proof of this, and I still struggle with it. I go balls to the wall for my friends, and when push comes to shove... guess who's a fair weather friend? 99.99% of them. 100% if you're only considering NC... but what should I expect? People to actually be something other than selfish? I really hope whatever these people were doing tonight was more important, and of course more FUN, than sitting at home crying because you're afraid of losing your best friend and have absolutely no one in the area to talk to or you know.... derive any sort of comfort from.
For now, I'm back to drinking beer and watching Bones. When all else fails, I'll always have science... it hasn't let me down so far anyways.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
ooohh boy
In one week, I'll be in the Caribbean, working my ass off at an archaeological dig. God, I hope some of the students from England are good looking... I would definitely not complain... *coughcough* Being single might have its perks after all! :P (quite honestly, I think relationships are bullshit... too many women spread their legs for a quick fuck that men just don't want relationships anymore. Welcome to reality women, time to start living that old saying... "if you can't beat em, join em". Couldn't be more true).
Scared to leave the cats though... I almost need them to fall asleep, as weird as that sounds. It's just part of the routine. I settle in, then Roxie jumps up on kneeds her blanket for a while, then the cats play chase for a few minutes... It's weird to have a quiet room.
I still need to lock down someone to take care of them between the 13th and 23rd... even thinking about this is making me feel queasy. Speaking of... I'm trying to acclimate my stomach to produce the enzymes to digest meat again (at least poultry) so that I don't have such an issue while traveling. Two bites of chicken ramen noodles I had last night was apparently all my stomach can take, because I thought I was going to puke when I woke up. ugh. I'll have to buy a few cups and just have two bites a day and hope by the time I get to Carriacou that anything made with chicken broth won't land me in the hospital. God help me if there's anything with red meat hidden in it... I don't need that experience again. Six hours straight of vomiting. So gross =\
I also have to get my ass working uber hard before I leave. I've been slacking on working out the past few days because my lower back and hips (where the femoral head meets the acetabulum-ish area) has been hurting like a freaking bitch. Oddly enough, it didn't hurt there much the day after the 3.5 hour tennis match, but yesterday, I could barely do anything other than walk. I felt older than the 35 year old with the busted knee I played against... really? Really, it was that bad.
In other news, the graduation party for the anthro/bioarch girls went down today. Somehow, you think a bunch of girls that just graduated college would be slamming shots, but no.... behold! We played on the jungle gym at Christina's apartment, and played with hula hoops. While drinking beer of course. There was also a lot of Guitar Hero and Rock Band being played. The poor neighbors probably never want to hear "Living on a Prayer" after our rendition. We were obviously just THAT good >_>
I pretty much killed at the guitar. Quite literally, I killed my portion of the song because I just could not keep up with certain parts of songs. Other parts I rocked on, but not as many as the parts I missed beats and shit. Le sad :(
It was fun to talk to Christina's bf (Michael) about periods... and him having to remove a condom from a chick who couldn't get it out (when he worked at the hospital). I think I'd die before going to a hospital for that... that's just downright mortifying. Grab some chopsticks and Mr. Miyagi that shit... don't make some poor grad student do the dirty work for you lol!
Ugh, alrighty, off to bed. Tired as hell after all that hard work rocking out on a fake guitar mwahaha ;)
Props to my buddy Andy who has been bullshitting with me for the past 2.5 hours about how awesome it is to be intelligent, but how much it fucks over your life, and how you view relationships (basically, they're pointless... glad we cleared that up! :P). Glad to have you as a friend for as long as I have!
~DH
Scared to leave the cats though... I almost need them to fall asleep, as weird as that sounds. It's just part of the routine. I settle in, then Roxie jumps up on kneeds her blanket for a while, then the cats play chase for a few minutes... It's weird to have a quiet room.
I still need to lock down someone to take care of them between the 13th and 23rd... even thinking about this is making me feel queasy. Speaking of... I'm trying to acclimate my stomach to produce the enzymes to digest meat again (at least poultry) so that I don't have such an issue while traveling. Two bites of chicken ramen noodles I had last night was apparently all my stomach can take, because I thought I was going to puke when I woke up. ugh. I'll have to buy a few cups and just have two bites a day and hope by the time I get to Carriacou that anything made with chicken broth won't land me in the hospital. God help me if there's anything with red meat hidden in it... I don't need that experience again. Six hours straight of vomiting. So gross =\
I also have to get my ass working uber hard before I leave. I've been slacking on working out the past few days because my lower back and hips (where the femoral head meets the acetabulum-ish area) has been hurting like a freaking bitch. Oddly enough, it didn't hurt there much the day after the 3.5 hour tennis match, but yesterday, I could barely do anything other than walk. I felt older than the 35 year old with the busted knee I played against... really? Really, it was that bad.
In other news, the graduation party for the anthro/bioarch girls went down today. Somehow, you think a bunch of girls that just graduated college would be slamming shots, but no.... behold! We played on the jungle gym at Christina's apartment, and played with hula hoops. While drinking beer of course. There was also a lot of Guitar Hero and Rock Band being played. The poor neighbors probably never want to hear "Living on a Prayer" after our rendition. We were obviously just THAT good >_>
I pretty much killed at the guitar. Quite literally, I killed my portion of the song because I just could not keep up with certain parts of songs. Other parts I rocked on, but not as many as the parts I missed beats and shit. Le sad :(
It was fun to talk to Christina's bf (Michael) about periods... and him having to remove a condom from a chick who couldn't get it out (when he worked at the hospital). I think I'd die before going to a hospital for that... that's just downright mortifying. Grab some chopsticks and Mr. Miyagi that shit... don't make some poor grad student do the dirty work for you lol!
Ugh, alrighty, off to bed. Tired as hell after all that hard work rocking out on a fake guitar mwahaha ;)
Props to my buddy Andy who has been bullshitting with me for the past 2.5 hours about how awesome it is to be intelligent, but how much it fucks over your life, and how you view relationships (basically, they're pointless... glad we cleared that up! :P). Glad to have you as a friend for as long as I have!
~DH
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Damned if you do, damned if you don't...
It pains me to think I'd have to write an actual blog about this, but it's gotten to the point I can't just accept certain shit... some things just aren't acceptable to me. It doesn't mean I'm being a bitch, catty, or starting drama. I just value the freedom I have to defend myself, because it seems I have recently come under scrutiny I don't deserve.
For anyone reading this blog that doesn't actually know me, but knows of me through a mutual friend, I ask you to respect the fact that I am friends with that person... nothing sneaky or hidden about it, simply two people who hang out sometimes. I realize that a particularly long post in the past may mislead one into thinking that my emotional process is the same now as it was back then... and again, I would like to clarify that just as the seasons change, so do people, and their emotions. It is perfectly acceptable, and behold, possible, for someone to realize that letting emotions muck up a cool friendship is just asinine. It is not JUST men that possess the ability to disconnect emotions and logic. Emotions are too easily influenced by hormones. Little bitty things floating about the brain making humans act like freaking idiots in the absence of higher cognitive abilities. I, for one, have taken great pride in my ability to shirk the insanity of overly emotionally investing in someone. Does that mean I am void of all emotions? I think it's safe to assume that is not the case, or else I wouldn't be writing this.
The point: I'm hurt.
I know, this isn't an emotion most people admit to... hell, I don't know many people that admit to this, but tonight, it's true. I'm hurt that people I don't know feel it is their right to comment on a blog influenced by a particularly shitty point in my life, where someone I considered a friend pretty much dropped me like a hot piece of shit. Am I bitter about it? Nope. Am I still hurt? Honestly, I think something like that will always hurt a person, and you'll always wonder if they'll do it again... but it's not something I obsess over. But, as I tend to be very observant of peoples' behavioral patterns, I will always remember that situation. I understand people do shitty things to others sometimes... Tonight's been an ultra shitty night for me (I mean... I don't know anyone who would argue that debilitating cramps qualify as something really bad, and then there was that guy that decided to walk out in front of my car while I was driving about 60mph. Seriously, I wish I could make that up... thank god for good brakes =\)
Back to the point: Why am I hurt?
So as I explained before... I like to keep my life private... as much as I can anyways. Not that I'm sneaky, I just don't like being judged. To make this concept easier, I posit a scenario.
Imagine for a minute, that you are a mother. If you are, that helps. Imagine now, that you are the mother to a young girl. If this is also the case, I think you'll be on board with me on this... Now, imagine your daughter, who works, goes to school full time (and works her ass off at it), does her best to treat people with respect and kindness... is friends with someone of the opposite sex. Now, imagine your daughter finding out that the ex's of said friend are reading her blog and making assumptions about the nature of her friendship with the guy... Now, imagine that your daughter is hurt by all of this. How would you, as her mother, feel?
I am just a daughter. I am a girl who was bullied from the time I started preschool to the time I started high school. If you are a mother, has your child ever been bullied? I don't wish to step outside of any boundaries here, but I think there may be one person out there whose child has been bullied, harassed, teased... and I have, on several occasions, offered to beat the snot out of anyone who messes with your child. I don't even know you, but I know how absolutely devastating it is to go through that... I know what it's like to go through the first 23 years of your life questioning your value as a human being, because there was always someone who would find a reason why I wasn't worth being kind to, or loved.
I am not a slut, a bimbo, easy, or desperate. I actually, and honestly, question if the concept of love is relevant in our current society. So many women are more than happy to spread their legs for a guy, that men pretty much don't have an incentive to be in a monogamous relationship anymore... I'm sure there are a small handful out there, I just think most of them are from the same generation as my dad... and that's just a little too old for me to be dating. For this reason, I limit my relationship with men to non-dating relationships. It just saves me from a lot of drama and emotional crappitude. I am in possession of this thing called a uterus, which means I'm pretty much DOOMED to have temporary lapses in sanity and turn into a pile of crying wreck. It happens. I just try to limit how often, and when those days happen... rarely do I ever experience these days around other people, and I feel REALLY uncomfortable having anyone see me in any sort of emotional state. I'm pretty much a guy with boobs, and all the... you know... female plumbing parts lol.
Please understand, I do not mean for this blog to start drama. I don't know any of the people who have commented on me, and I have no anger towards you... I just want you to understand that I am a human being, just like you. I have feelings that get hurt, just like you. I feel sad and lonely sometimes, just like you. In the future, should I choose to post something of an emotional nature that you feel inclined to comment on, I encourage you to contact me yourself... I treat respect with equal, if not greater, respect. Should you even just want to ask something about who I am, why I post certain stuff, whatever... you can ask me what my favorite Broadway show tune is... I don't mind. But please, don't say stuff about me without knowing me. I don't ask for much more.
So in this instance, I'm screwed... damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't stand up for myself, I let people know that it's cool to talk about me when you don't know me... and I'm damned if I DO type this, because it might start drama... something I don't want :)
Just in case:
If you want to know some stuff about me, I'll give you the basic rundown...
*I have always been, and will always be, a nerd. I cannot tell you how many books on astronomy I've read... Nor can I tell you how many times I re-read my Zoobooks as a kid. Ok, I can, sort of... While at the San Diego Wild Animal Park, a tour guide asked my classmates and I (5th grade at the time), if we could guess how many species of tigers were extinct. I happily submitted my "guess" along with the names of all extinct tigers, and their habitat areas.... Needless to say, the look on his face was pretty dang priceless.
*My mom forced me to take tae kwon do as a kid (7yrs) so I could learn how to defend myself. I figured it was pointless and boring, but there was no reasoning with her... I finally started liking it when I started sparring as a yellow belt. I overheard a boy my age saying "I don't want to spar with her, she's a girl!". From that moment on, I made it my life's goal to go out of my way to prove people wrong. 2.5 years later, I tested for my black belt, and nearly knocked one of the two boys I was sparring unconscious. To this day, my old instructor still asks me if I "remember that time you almost knocked out one of the Nelson boys?". I do. It was pretty freaking sweet ;) ALSO: After talking to a few tae kwon do studios, as well as my old instructor, the test I was made to do for my 1st degree black belt test is what most places do for their SECOND. That's right, at the tender age of 9, I was technically a 2nd degree black belt. My test included:
1. Read "The Art of War", and write a 3-page book report on it. Yikes.
2. Weapons training (guns at the shooting range - knives and bamboo fighting sticks at the studio)
3. Field training. Literally. In a field. We were forced to climb and jump chain link fences. That was pretty gnarly actually.
4.Day one: the forms, 2 v 1 sparring, dong bong step routine (the bamboo sticks), board breaking and brick breaking
5. Day 2: 5 mile run (in So Cal in April... death). 1 lap hurdles, 1 lap hopping on each foot (just in case you ever had to run away with a broken foot, you'd be all over it). Bleachers (20 sets I think), push-ups, sit-ups, and had to be able to do the splits from front-to-back, as well as side-to-side splits.
6. I'm kind of a sports nut. There almost isn't any major sport I didn't do as a kid... ballet, gymnastics, tennis, ice skating, basketball, volleyball, soccer, softball, and you get the idea.
*I could live on the National Geographic channel... it's pretty much on all day :)
*I'm getting my degree in bioarchaeology :D
*I've always been in love with cats.
there's more, but I'm exhausted!! ugh :(
For anyone reading this blog that doesn't actually know me, but knows of me through a mutual friend, I ask you to respect the fact that I am friends with that person... nothing sneaky or hidden about it, simply two people who hang out sometimes. I realize that a particularly long post in the past may mislead one into thinking that my emotional process is the same now as it was back then... and again, I would like to clarify that just as the seasons change, so do people, and their emotions. It is perfectly acceptable, and behold, possible, for someone to realize that letting emotions muck up a cool friendship is just asinine. It is not JUST men that possess the ability to disconnect emotions and logic. Emotions are too easily influenced by hormones. Little bitty things floating about the brain making humans act like freaking idiots in the absence of higher cognitive abilities. I, for one, have taken great pride in my ability to shirk the insanity of overly emotionally investing in someone. Does that mean I am void of all emotions? I think it's safe to assume that is not the case, or else I wouldn't be writing this.
The point: I'm hurt.
I know, this isn't an emotion most people admit to... hell, I don't know many people that admit to this, but tonight, it's true. I'm hurt that people I don't know feel it is their right to comment on a blog influenced by a particularly shitty point in my life, where someone I considered a friend pretty much dropped me like a hot piece of shit. Am I bitter about it? Nope. Am I still hurt? Honestly, I think something like that will always hurt a person, and you'll always wonder if they'll do it again... but it's not something I obsess over. But, as I tend to be very observant of peoples' behavioral patterns, I will always remember that situation. I understand people do shitty things to others sometimes... Tonight's been an ultra shitty night for me (I mean... I don't know anyone who would argue that debilitating cramps qualify as something really bad, and then there was that guy that decided to walk out in front of my car while I was driving about 60mph. Seriously, I wish I could make that up... thank god for good brakes =\)
Back to the point: Why am I hurt?
So as I explained before... I like to keep my life private... as much as I can anyways. Not that I'm sneaky, I just don't like being judged. To make this concept easier, I posit a scenario.
Imagine for a minute, that you are a mother. If you are, that helps. Imagine now, that you are the mother to a young girl. If this is also the case, I think you'll be on board with me on this... Now, imagine your daughter, who works, goes to school full time (and works her ass off at it), does her best to treat people with respect and kindness... is friends with someone of the opposite sex. Now, imagine your daughter finding out that the ex's of said friend are reading her blog and making assumptions about the nature of her friendship with the guy... Now, imagine that your daughter is hurt by all of this. How would you, as her mother, feel?
I am just a daughter. I am a girl who was bullied from the time I started preschool to the time I started high school. If you are a mother, has your child ever been bullied? I don't wish to step outside of any boundaries here, but I think there may be one person out there whose child has been bullied, harassed, teased... and I have, on several occasions, offered to beat the snot out of anyone who messes with your child. I don't even know you, but I know how absolutely devastating it is to go through that... I know what it's like to go through the first 23 years of your life questioning your value as a human being, because there was always someone who would find a reason why I wasn't worth being kind to, or loved.
I am not a slut, a bimbo, easy, or desperate. I actually, and honestly, question if the concept of love is relevant in our current society. So many women are more than happy to spread their legs for a guy, that men pretty much don't have an incentive to be in a monogamous relationship anymore... I'm sure there are a small handful out there, I just think most of them are from the same generation as my dad... and that's just a little too old for me to be dating. For this reason, I limit my relationship with men to non-dating relationships. It just saves me from a lot of drama and emotional crappitude. I am in possession of this thing called a uterus, which means I'm pretty much DOOMED to have temporary lapses in sanity and turn into a pile of crying wreck. It happens. I just try to limit how often, and when those days happen... rarely do I ever experience these days around other people, and I feel REALLY uncomfortable having anyone see me in any sort of emotional state. I'm pretty much a guy with boobs, and all the... you know... female plumbing parts lol.
Please understand, I do not mean for this blog to start drama. I don't know any of the people who have commented on me, and I have no anger towards you... I just want you to understand that I am a human being, just like you. I have feelings that get hurt, just like you. I feel sad and lonely sometimes, just like you. In the future, should I choose to post something of an emotional nature that you feel inclined to comment on, I encourage you to contact me yourself... I treat respect with equal, if not greater, respect. Should you even just want to ask something about who I am, why I post certain stuff, whatever... you can ask me what my favorite Broadway show tune is... I don't mind. But please, don't say stuff about me without knowing me. I don't ask for much more.
So in this instance, I'm screwed... damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I don't stand up for myself, I let people know that it's cool to talk about me when you don't know me... and I'm damned if I DO type this, because it might start drama... something I don't want :)
Just in case:
If you want to know some stuff about me, I'll give you the basic rundown...
*I have always been, and will always be, a nerd. I cannot tell you how many books on astronomy I've read... Nor can I tell you how many times I re-read my Zoobooks as a kid. Ok, I can, sort of... While at the San Diego Wild Animal Park, a tour guide asked my classmates and I (5th grade at the time), if we could guess how many species of tigers were extinct. I happily submitted my "guess" along with the names of all extinct tigers, and their habitat areas.... Needless to say, the look on his face was pretty dang priceless.
*My mom forced me to take tae kwon do as a kid (7yrs) so I could learn how to defend myself. I figured it was pointless and boring, but there was no reasoning with her... I finally started liking it when I started sparring as a yellow belt. I overheard a boy my age saying "I don't want to spar with her, she's a girl!". From that moment on, I made it my life's goal to go out of my way to prove people wrong. 2.5 years later, I tested for my black belt, and nearly knocked one of the two boys I was sparring unconscious. To this day, my old instructor still asks me if I "remember that time you almost knocked out one of the Nelson boys?". I do. It was pretty freaking sweet ;) ALSO: After talking to a few tae kwon do studios, as well as my old instructor, the test I was made to do for my 1st degree black belt test is what most places do for their SECOND. That's right, at the tender age of 9, I was technically a 2nd degree black belt. My test included:
1. Read "The Art of War", and write a 3-page book report on it. Yikes.
2. Weapons training (guns at the shooting range - knives and bamboo fighting sticks at the studio)
3. Field training. Literally. In a field. We were forced to climb and jump chain link fences. That was pretty gnarly actually.
4.Day one: the forms, 2 v 1 sparring, dong bong step routine (the bamboo sticks), board breaking and brick breaking
5. Day 2: 5 mile run (in So Cal in April... death). 1 lap hurdles, 1 lap hopping on each foot (just in case you ever had to run away with a broken foot, you'd be all over it). Bleachers (20 sets I think), push-ups, sit-ups, and had to be able to do the splits from front-to-back, as well as side-to-side splits.
6. I'm kind of a sports nut. There almost isn't any major sport I didn't do as a kid... ballet, gymnastics, tennis, ice skating, basketball, volleyball, soccer, softball, and you get the idea.
*I could live on the National Geographic channel... it's pretty much on all day :)
*I'm getting my degree in bioarchaeology :D
*I've always been in love with cats.
there's more, but I'm exhausted!! ugh :(
Friday, April 29, 2011
Ah how things have changed...
I've woke up Tuesday morning... around 10am. This morning was the first time I had slept since then. 7 hours total... thus making 7 hours of sleep in 86 hours... I'm pretty sure I officially qualify as a badass... or insane. Or both.
I recently took a look at my previous blog post... you know, the one that was the length of a book? Yeah, that one. It's almost bizarre to see just how much has happened in just 3 months. It's now the end of the school year, and many of my friends are graduating... I (should) be done next year... about damn time! Now I just have to figure out if I want to apply to a masters program, or go for a second undergrad...
I'm currently helping a friend (aka mister "men aren't meant to be monogamous") to start his new business. I guess it helps being the daughter of a business man... He (my dad) has always told me I could "sell ice to the Eskimos". The same saying has been applied by two store managers I've worked for, as well as a district manager. The irony is totally not lost on me... and quite frankly, I may be the only one who chuckles when I hear that... Then again, I'm just easily amused. Hard to believe I'm eligible for Mensa... I'm just odd, it's all good. This weekend starts the process of harassing the Secretary of State office with craptons of paperwork. Then the IRS, and so on, and so forth. They will all know me on a first name basis within the next few weeks... I will make sure of it mwahahaha!
Slightly related topic, anytime I mention any of my friends, I would like to clarify that even when criticizing someone, or something they have said or done, I am of the belief that what you say behind someone's back, you should say to someone's face. I comply with that 100%, and anything said about my friend in the past entry is stuff that I have discussed with them, or bitched at them about before. I appreciate having a friend that I can chew out when they're acting like a douche, or who will call me out when I'm being a tard. I think this ability is not appreciated as fully as it should be... not in the US anyways, but in other countries, it's a lot more normal to yell at someone for 10 minutes, then go "ok, let's go get some lunch". Being a passive aggressive bitch does nothing for me, other than make me bitter. It's just not how I roll. I have always, and will always, refuse to lower myself to be just like the "ordinary" people out there.
I'm currently waiting to get my grades back for my term papers, but by "wait", I actually mean "check the website every 30 minutes to see if my grade has been posted". The paper for my Skeletal Biology class will either be a source of great joy, or searing shame. It's a graduate level class with a badass teacher. She literally scares me shitless, but in a good way, of course. At the very least, I can now tell you everything you never wanted to know about circumpolar people, and their migration history (based on HLA frequencies, mtDNA, craniofacial morphology and skeletal variation, and other adaptive traits specific to certain groups). Considering I had at LEAST 25 articles on the topic that I had compiled back in December, before the class had even started. Like a boss.
I suppose I should get some sleep now? Suddenly, my eyes didn't want to keep themselves open anymore =\ Gotta try to submit paperwork tomorrow and ship a package before 12... if I can stay awake ugh.
I recently took a look at my previous blog post... you know, the one that was the length of a book? Yeah, that one. It's almost bizarre to see just how much has happened in just 3 months. It's now the end of the school year, and many of my friends are graduating... I (should) be done next year... about damn time! Now I just have to figure out if I want to apply to a masters program, or go for a second undergrad...
I'm currently helping a friend (aka mister "men aren't meant to be monogamous") to start his new business. I guess it helps being the daughter of a business man... He (my dad) has always told me I could "sell ice to the Eskimos". The same saying has been applied by two store managers I've worked for, as well as a district manager. The irony is totally not lost on me... and quite frankly, I may be the only one who chuckles when I hear that... Then again, I'm just easily amused. Hard to believe I'm eligible for Mensa... I'm just odd, it's all good. This weekend starts the process of harassing the Secretary of State office with craptons of paperwork. Then the IRS, and so on, and so forth. They will all know me on a first name basis within the next few weeks... I will make sure of it mwahahaha!
Slightly related topic, anytime I mention any of my friends, I would like to clarify that even when criticizing someone, or something they have said or done, I am of the belief that what you say behind someone's back, you should say to someone's face. I comply with that 100%, and anything said about my friend in the past entry is stuff that I have discussed with them, or bitched at them about before. I appreciate having a friend that I can chew out when they're acting like a douche, or who will call me out when I'm being a tard. I think this ability is not appreciated as fully as it should be... not in the US anyways, but in other countries, it's a lot more normal to yell at someone for 10 minutes, then go "ok, let's go get some lunch". Being a passive aggressive bitch does nothing for me, other than make me bitter. It's just not how I roll. I have always, and will always, refuse to lower myself to be just like the "ordinary" people out there.
I'm currently waiting to get my grades back for my term papers, but by "wait", I actually mean "check the website every 30 minutes to see if my grade has been posted". The paper for my Skeletal Biology class will either be a source of great joy, or searing shame. It's a graduate level class with a badass teacher. She literally scares me shitless, but in a good way, of course. At the very least, I can now tell you everything you never wanted to know about circumpolar people, and their migration history (based on HLA frequencies, mtDNA, craniofacial morphology and skeletal variation, and other adaptive traits specific to certain groups). Considering I had at LEAST 25 articles on the topic that I had compiled back in December, before the class had even started. Like a boss.
I suppose I should get some sleep now? Suddenly, my eyes didn't want to keep themselves open anymore =\ Gotta try to submit paperwork tomorrow and ship a package before 12... if I can stay awake ugh.
Monday, February 21, 2011
On relationships, fuck buddies, society and whatnot
So this post is going to be a bit of a departure from my normal postings of mockery and bitchiness. It's a bit of a rant, and I don't know that anyone will actually read this, but at least 20 years from now I can look back and be impressed at this surreal moment of clarity.
Where to start...
The past few years of my life have been pretty hectic. Some of it good, some of it bad, and when New Years rolled around, I had this feeling that 2011 was going an epic year for me... and I really could not have expected that 2 months into it, I would have gone through so much and learned so much about myself, those around me, and society in general.
In the Beginning
2010 really was the year I gained control over my life. I dropped the drama from my life, embraced my inner geek/freak (something I haven't done since I moved from California). I separated myself from some unhealthy people and situations, and realized that I didn't always have to be "the bigger person" or the "good guy". My whole life, I have been the person who went out of their way to do nice things for people. Why you ask? Well, a month ago, I would have told you "because everyone should be treated well, and I treat people the way I want to be treated". Makes sense, right?
But wait... let's analyze that for a minute. I was basically saying that I wanted people to go OUT OF THEIR WAY for me... that's a little selfish, no? I don't really think of myself as "selfish", so let's go a bit deeper into this... What am I REALLY expecting of people if I wouldn't want them to go out of their way for me? So, I sit and I think... and I think to myself "well, I do this and I don't ask for anything in return, I do it because I'm a good person"... Now HOLD UP... that's a pretty hefty judgment to make about myself. So as I'm having this inner dialogue, I have an OH SNAP moment... and it hits me like Troy Polamalu: I do this because I want OTHER PEOPLE to sit there and go "gee, she is a really good person! Look how good she is, she does all these nice things for me".
FUCK . MY . LIFE .
Maybe I shouldn't have taken all of those psychology classes that I did... then again, it has been a real eye-opener to realize just HOW much I let other people's opinion of me (or even their perceived opinion of me) affect my own level of self-worth and importance. It also helped me realize that I was most definitely not the only person in the world that cared TOO much about impressing people and making them like me... it's a pretty universal issue that EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON.EVER has experienced, or still experiences at some level. It never goes away, but once we recognize this issue, we can recognize when those feelings are creeping in and making us act like freaking rabid monkeys and doing more harm to our image than if we just chilled the hell out and thought/acted rationally. Shocking concept, right?
So how does this tie in with the title of this post?
It's a Damn Good Thing I Like Puzzles
Without going into too many boring details, I started talking to a guy back in December and it was kind of like getting hit in the face with a bag of bricks. Never in my life did I think I would be able to talk to someone for hours about genetic drift, the awesomeness that is Jim Henson, religion, politics and video games. It didn't hurt that he is attractive as well, and after some time talking and hanging out, it seemed like there was a mutual attraction. I didn't feel the need to push for things to progress, and actually found myself NOT wanting anything serious right away... why ruin something good by forcing it to turn into something serious?
So of course, seeing this person as a friend, I did my usual routine of doing nice shit "because that's how everyone should be treated"... of course, with hindsight, I likely wanted them to see that I was a good chick... Not that it's a bad thing to be seen as a good person, but trying to convince someone by basically becoming their bitch isn't the healthiest way to go about it. Too bad our own quirks aren't immediately obvious to us... psychoanalyzing yourself is a serious pain in the ass, and generally comes AFTER you've seriously fucked shit up. Fantastic.
Anyways, life was great! I had great friends, great classes, a really cool dude to talk to and hang out with occasionally... and then shit hit the fan. Suddenly, I have a friend telling me they tried to commit suicide, and things with the guy pretty much exploded in a fiery ball of what-the-fuck? Things were going well enough one day, and the next day... apparently they don't want to deal with women/friends/relationships... And this was just what happened in the matter of about 1 hour! You can imagine, it was not the best night for me (keep in mind too, that I've had two friends commit suicide in the past 3 years, so I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown over that situation alone... add to that someone else I care about basically telling me that I have no place in their life for absolutely no given reason).
I pretty much felt like the universe had put this shiny gift, a totally happy life with things working out all at the same time, in front of me... and then said "wait no, you don't get ANY of this! MWAHAHAHAA!!!". I felt like somehow, I was doomed to never be lucky, never be loved, never be a good enough friend to keep someone from ending their life... In the middle of my little meltdown, I realized that things like this are usually completely out of my control. Nothing that happened that night was solely my fault, and trying to take care of people without taking care of myself was just ruining my life. I was focusing so much on the issues of other people, that I was neglecting my own issues and my own happiness, so I decided that I would tell the world to fuck off and do shit for myself for the first time in my life, and not care who it pisses off. I would be honest with myself and to those I felt I needed to be more honest with.
Step 1: Selfish time! The day after Hell broke loose on my life, I decided I would take the day off of school and I made an appointment to get my hair cut. I just needed to do something for myself and take a day off to mull things over.
Step 2: Analysis time! I actually tried to do some reading up on how to deal with the situation by helping the people who were lashing out... but in the process, I ended up reading a lot of stuff that really applied to me. It was actually kind of bizarre reading up on the things people do, and ultimately the deeper reason people do those things, or act the way they do.
Step 3: Do something unexpected for myself. Three weeks before the deadline, I decided to apply to the study-abroad program for archaeology. It's going to cost a crap-ton of money, and I'll be out of work for a month, but I get to dig shit up in the Caribbean with my BioArch Bitch Emilie (who was the person who kept pushing me to apply). This trip will be epic, and above all else, it was a totally selfish decision, and dammit, it felt GOOD.
Step 4: Realize what it is about myself that I value... and what I want other people to value about me, in a healthy, and non-needy way. I don't need someone to validate my existence. I want to be respected, and seen as a peer. I want people to see that I'm smart, funny, geeky, rational, understanding, curious, respectful, polite, and so on. I am not a fuck buddy. I will not use the promise of sex as a way to keep a guy around in hopes that it will spark a relationship. If you think allowing yourself to be used as a breathing sex toy will make a man respect you and crave a deep, emotional connection with you... you will probably never date anyone worthwhile, and you will probably continue being used for sex. If you're a man who wants nothing more than a fuck buddy, you need to realize you will never meet a women worth your time. If you complain that you just can't find someone you connect with, you probably don't ACTUALLY know what you want in a woman. Honestly, men and women need to really think about what they want in a potential partner. Good looks are great, but if you don't have any common ground, the relationship will be shallow and you will most likely be miserable with that person. This also applies to men who believe that "we aren't meant to be monogamous" because "monogamy and marriage are social constructs".
Step 5: Lay the motherfucking smackdown.
As an anthropologist, you learn a thing or two about other cultures. There's a funny little thing about socially-imposed rules and morals... they exist in EVERY culture. They are also different in many cultures, but each culture has some restriction on some aspect of human life. So let's talk about a few things society tells us, shall we?
A. We should be monogamous: Ok, so what most men like to point out is that in our evolutionary past, we were not bound by socially-constructed institutions like that evil "marriage" thing. In maintaining that humans are not monogamous by nature, you men are not entirely wrong. There are early hominids that were promiscuous, but our earliest known ancestor is believed to have been monogamous. Also, monogamy serves a very important function. If done the right way (meaning the "mating pair" maintains a healthy, long-lasting relationship on the basis of compatibility), then a monogamous relationship ensures that the offspring will have two parents contributing to its upbringing. This is also true in polygamous relationships, but the important factor in either case is that the man is not in fact PROMISCUOUS, but actively mates with, and takes care of, more than one female, and all of the women and children live as a family unit with the man. So fine, the next time a man tells me that "men aren't meant to be monogamous and marriage is just a social construct" I will assure him he can mate with me only if he is prepared to help me raise my offspring. Not to mention, if a man wants to be a stickler about what is "socially imposed" on them, I would like to move on to point B.
B. We must rebel against socially imposed rules that dictate we act against our nature: If you want me to respect this argument, I would like to point out that men being the "tough, macho, emotionless" guy is a sack of horseshit. Your "gender role" is assigned to you once the doctors know if you have a penis or vagina. You are give blue clothes, G.I. Joes and Tonka trucks. You play baseball and football. You're told not to cry when you're hurt, because men don't show their pain like that. Girls are dressed in pink, more likely to participate in things like ballet that are expressive and require the ability to emote.
Interesting fact: The World Health Organization states that gender is the "result of socially constructed ideas about the behavior, actions, and roles a particular sex performs", so the next time a man refuses to talk about his emotions, I will scold him for giving in to societal pressures to live up to a socially imposed set of rules for how people of his physical sex should or shouldn't act. Socially imposed rules also dictate that we cannot breed with immediate family members or eat our young... but how many men will complain about those?
Another point I would like to make is that we are to a degree different than our ancestors. Our ancestors lived in simple societies, comprised of probably no more than a few family groups. The group worked together to ensure the well being and nurturing of the offspring. In today's society, we are told that we should value our independence. That we should move away from our parents and pursue lives outside of their control. Extended family no longer plays the role it used to in society. We stick our children in day-care programs and our elderly in homes so we don't have to deal with them. Obviously, in the days of our ancestors, we didn't have these options. Women carried their babies everywhere they went, and that included the times where they had to gather foodstuffs while the men went hunting. Now, women pursue an education and a career. Speaking of education, our ancestors survived doing nothing but living every day as it came, finding food, protecting themselves and each other... they didn't go to school, they didn't wear nice clothes, they didn't sit for 8 hours a day on a computer either. There is almost NOTHING about modern humans that is truly comparable with our ancestors. Also, there are societies that have reversed gender roles... men are seen as the more emotional sex, and women as the stronger ones. I fully expect men to shed the facade that they are emotionally distant and incapable of being hurt or insecure. I call bullshit sirs.
If you are a man, and you tell me you don't believe in monogamy because it's a social construct that our ancestors didn't have, then I fully expect you to run around naked, hunting your own game and living outside with no amenities. Just saying... you might be happier with a permanent mate and a chance to play some sweet MMORPGs or FPSs while enjoying pizza and beer.
That's right fellas. Wanna shed those pesky moral restrictions in favor of going back to the freedom of those good old days? NO. MORE. BEER. Also, no porn. Australopithecines didn't have beer, porn or video games. But ya know what they had? Lots of sex. Sex with women that were hairy, smelly and had saggy boobs. Those lucky bastards, they had it so well! Damn society and our damn rules!
My note to men: If you're going to use the excuse that our ancestors weren't monogamous, therefore, we shouldn't be either... I will science you to the motherfucking FACE. Come prepared. I love a challenge.
Hell hath no fury like a woman with a degree in anthropology ;)
So all the pieces are falling together in this really crazy puzzle that is my life. Sure some things going on really suck, but I am much happier having had the chance to learn so much about myself and people at 24 years old... things people twice or three times my age haven't figured out yet. I'm a pretty fucked up puzzle, but my pieces are brightly-colored, covered in glitter and glow in the dark. I'm a freak, and I love it.
Concluding This Bitch
I don't say any of this stuff out of anger... if anything, I relish the fact that all of this shit happening to me gave me the opportunity to take care of myself instead of trying to take care of everyone else. I get to hang out with amazing friends, and I get to psychoanalyze the hell out of myself, and research stuff I love to point out that men simply don't know what they're talking about sometimes :) I admit, I like being smart. It's what I love about myself.
So if you ever ask yourself "why should I bother being friends with this person?", I will tell you: you should like me because I'm smart. I love to study astronomy, biology (concentrating in genetics), geology, anthropology, psychology and chemistry. You should like me because I have the ability to study a situation rationally, doing my best to see the perspective of all parties involved. You should like me because while not in the best shape ever, I do eat well and do pilates, at least 3 hours a week. You should like me because I don't feel the need to be pampered, catered to, or spoiled. I can, and enjoy, taking care of myself. I take pride in my ability to not need a man to survive. You should like me because I am a kid at heart. I believe in educating children about the world outside of our own country. I would want my child to grow up bilingual, like I did. You should like me because as much as I take an interest in fashion and presenting myself as a refined woman, I love video games. I love comics. I love anime shows. I love Muppets and shows like Futurama. You should like me because I believe in equality. If I argue with you, I will do my best to only argue points that I can back up. I don't believe in starting drama or fights out of boredom, and I know when to admit I'm wrong. You should like me because I believe nature and animals are equal with human. I will never treat an animal worse than a human, and I will never treat a human worse than an animal. You should like me because I love to travel, I enjoy a wide variety of music, though I generally do not find happiness in Country music. Sorry. You should like me because I will never drag you to a RomCom you don't want to see. I actually prefer action movies and comedies to anything romantic in nature. My dad had me watching old Jackie Chan movies by the time I was 7/8. Robin Hood: Men in Tights is my favorite movie of all time. Mel Brooks is pretty much a god. You should like me because I like beer. I like it a lot. I don't drink it all the time, because I don't want to be a fatty, but I really like drinking beer. Blue Moon is the bomb. I've never had a Coors, a Budweiser, or a Miller. I don't really plan on ever doing it either. I tend to not enjoy drinking something that looks THAT MUCH like pee. I do admit my use of profanity is at times a bit much, but when writing something THIS long and personal, I have to at least get my frustration out in writing :P
I think I should clarify too that I am in no way, shape, or form mad at the guy for semi-peacing out on me. I understand that sometimes something happens and people just need to deal with it, and while it sucks to get put on the chopping block as a friend/potential interest/whatever, there's not a lot I can do to make someone understand that what they're doing is using a pretty crappy defense mechanism, and it's ok to talk about the shit that is pissing them off, or what emotions they might be trying to avoid dealing with. Society tells us to bottle shit up, but look at where that put us... so many people now go to therapists, and all they really do is make us open up about our feelings, and then they tell us how to deal with those emotions. If we just dealt with them in the first place, starting at a young age, we wouldn't have as many issues as we do these days. This guy once told me "no one wants to be judged", and while I generally agree with that... what does it matter? I mean, honestly, if someone judges you for something, why would you put any value in their words? If they're too shallow or insecure with themselves that they have to resort to demeaning and teasing other people, are they really worth your time?
I want to make this absolutely clear: People who judge you, do so because they are insecure. They cannot deal with their issues, and try to make themselves feel better by telling themselves how much someone else sucks, or they convince themselves they are pretty by nitpicking every physical detail of another human being. They tell you that you'll never find someone, that you'll always be alone. In reality, these people are the ones constantly fearing breakups and loneliness. Everyone is worthy of being loved. Everyone is worthy of having people around them who don't judge their looks or actions, and embrace them for who they are.
I honestly would be surprised if someone read this whole thing... I expect at least ONE person to write "TL;DR". I will give that person a cookie.
Where to start...
The past few years of my life have been pretty hectic. Some of it good, some of it bad, and when New Years rolled around, I had this feeling that 2011 was going an epic year for me... and I really could not have expected that 2 months into it, I would have gone through so much and learned so much about myself, those around me, and society in general.
In the Beginning
2010 really was the year I gained control over my life. I dropped the drama from my life, embraced my inner geek/freak (something I haven't done since I moved from California). I separated myself from some unhealthy people and situations, and realized that I didn't always have to be "the bigger person" or the "good guy". My whole life, I have been the person who went out of their way to do nice things for people. Why you ask? Well, a month ago, I would have told you "because everyone should be treated well, and I treat people the way I want to be treated". Makes sense, right?
But wait... let's analyze that for a minute. I was basically saying that I wanted people to go OUT OF THEIR WAY for me... that's a little selfish, no? I don't really think of myself as "selfish", so let's go a bit deeper into this... What am I REALLY expecting of people if I wouldn't want them to go out of their way for me? So, I sit and I think... and I think to myself "well, I do this and I don't ask for anything in return, I do it because I'm a good person"... Now HOLD UP... that's a pretty hefty judgment to make about myself. So as I'm having this inner dialogue, I have an OH SNAP moment... and it hits me like Troy Polamalu: I do this because I want OTHER PEOPLE to sit there and go "gee, she is a really good person! Look how good she is, she does all these nice things for me".
FUCK . MY . LIFE .
Maybe I shouldn't have taken all of those psychology classes that I did... then again, it has been a real eye-opener to realize just HOW much I let other people's opinion of me (or even their perceived opinion of me) affect my own level of self-worth and importance. It also helped me realize that I was most definitely not the only person in the world that cared TOO much about impressing people and making them like me... it's a pretty universal issue that EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON.EVER has experienced, or still experiences at some level. It never goes away, but once we recognize this issue, we can recognize when those feelings are creeping in and making us act like freaking rabid monkeys and doing more harm to our image than if we just chilled the hell out and thought/acted rationally. Shocking concept, right?
So how does this tie in with the title of this post?
It's a Damn Good Thing I Like Puzzles
Without going into too many boring details, I started talking to a guy back in December and it was kind of like getting hit in the face with a bag of bricks. Never in my life did I think I would be able to talk to someone for hours about genetic drift, the awesomeness that is Jim Henson, religion, politics and video games. It didn't hurt that he is attractive as well, and after some time talking and hanging out, it seemed like there was a mutual attraction. I didn't feel the need to push for things to progress, and actually found myself NOT wanting anything serious right away... why ruin something good by forcing it to turn into something serious?
So of course, seeing this person as a friend, I did my usual routine of doing nice shit "because that's how everyone should be treated"... of course, with hindsight, I likely wanted them to see that I was a good chick... Not that it's a bad thing to be seen as a good person, but trying to convince someone by basically becoming their bitch isn't the healthiest way to go about it. Too bad our own quirks aren't immediately obvious to us... psychoanalyzing yourself is a serious pain in the ass, and generally comes AFTER you've seriously fucked shit up. Fantastic.
Anyways, life was great! I had great friends, great classes, a really cool dude to talk to and hang out with occasionally... and then shit hit the fan. Suddenly, I have a friend telling me they tried to commit suicide, and things with the guy pretty much exploded in a fiery ball of what-the-fuck? Things were going well enough one day, and the next day... apparently they don't want to deal with women/friends/relationships... And this was just what happened in the matter of about 1 hour! You can imagine, it was not the best night for me (keep in mind too, that I've had two friends commit suicide in the past 3 years, so I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown over that situation alone... add to that someone else I care about basically telling me that I have no place in their life for absolutely no given reason).
I pretty much felt like the universe had put this shiny gift, a totally happy life with things working out all at the same time, in front of me... and then said "wait no, you don't get ANY of this! MWAHAHAHAA!!!". I felt like somehow, I was doomed to never be lucky, never be loved, never be a good enough friend to keep someone from ending their life... In the middle of my little meltdown, I realized that things like this are usually completely out of my control. Nothing that happened that night was solely my fault, and trying to take care of people without taking care of myself was just ruining my life. I was focusing so much on the issues of other people, that I was neglecting my own issues and my own happiness, so I decided that I would tell the world to fuck off and do shit for myself for the first time in my life, and not care who it pisses off. I would be honest with myself and to those I felt I needed to be more honest with.
Step 1: Selfish time! The day after Hell broke loose on my life, I decided I would take the day off of school and I made an appointment to get my hair cut. I just needed to do something for myself and take a day off to mull things over.
Step 2: Analysis time! I actually tried to do some reading up on how to deal with the situation by helping the people who were lashing out... but in the process, I ended up reading a lot of stuff that really applied to me. It was actually kind of bizarre reading up on the things people do, and ultimately the deeper reason people do those things, or act the way they do.
Step 3: Do something unexpected for myself. Three weeks before the deadline, I decided to apply to the study-abroad program for archaeology. It's going to cost a crap-ton of money, and I'll be out of work for a month, but I get to dig shit up in the Caribbean with my BioArch Bitch Emilie (who was the person who kept pushing me to apply). This trip will be epic, and above all else, it was a totally selfish decision, and dammit, it felt GOOD.
Step 4: Realize what it is about myself that I value... and what I want other people to value about me, in a healthy, and non-needy way. I don't need someone to validate my existence. I want to be respected, and seen as a peer. I want people to see that I'm smart, funny, geeky, rational, understanding, curious, respectful, polite, and so on. I am not a fuck buddy. I will not use the promise of sex as a way to keep a guy around in hopes that it will spark a relationship. If you think allowing yourself to be used as a breathing sex toy will make a man respect you and crave a deep, emotional connection with you... you will probably never date anyone worthwhile, and you will probably continue being used for sex. If you're a man who wants nothing more than a fuck buddy, you need to realize you will never meet a women worth your time. If you complain that you just can't find someone you connect with, you probably don't ACTUALLY know what you want in a woman. Honestly, men and women need to really think about what they want in a potential partner. Good looks are great, but if you don't have any common ground, the relationship will be shallow and you will most likely be miserable with that person. This also applies to men who believe that "we aren't meant to be monogamous" because "monogamy and marriage are social constructs".
Step 5: Lay the motherfucking smackdown.
As an anthropologist, you learn a thing or two about other cultures. There's a funny little thing about socially-imposed rules and morals... they exist in EVERY culture. They are also different in many cultures, but each culture has some restriction on some aspect of human life. So let's talk about a few things society tells us, shall we?
A. We should be monogamous: Ok, so what most men like to point out is that in our evolutionary past, we were not bound by socially-constructed institutions like that evil "marriage" thing. In maintaining that humans are not monogamous by nature, you men are not entirely wrong. There are early hominids that were promiscuous, but our earliest known ancestor is believed to have been monogamous. Also, monogamy serves a very important function. If done the right way (meaning the "mating pair" maintains a healthy, long-lasting relationship on the basis of compatibility), then a monogamous relationship ensures that the offspring will have two parents contributing to its upbringing. This is also true in polygamous relationships, but the important factor in either case is that the man is not in fact PROMISCUOUS, but actively mates with, and takes care of, more than one female, and all of the women and children live as a family unit with the man. So fine, the next time a man tells me that "men aren't meant to be monogamous and marriage is just a social construct" I will assure him he can mate with me only if he is prepared to help me raise my offspring. Not to mention, if a man wants to be a stickler about what is "socially imposed" on them, I would like to move on to point B.
B. We must rebel against socially imposed rules that dictate we act against our nature: If you want me to respect this argument, I would like to point out that men being the "tough, macho, emotionless" guy is a sack of horseshit. Your "gender role" is assigned to you once the doctors know if you have a penis or vagina. You are give blue clothes, G.I. Joes and Tonka trucks. You play baseball and football. You're told not to cry when you're hurt, because men don't show their pain like that. Girls are dressed in pink, more likely to participate in things like ballet that are expressive and require the ability to emote.
Interesting fact: The World Health Organization states that gender is the "result of socially constructed ideas about the behavior, actions, and roles a particular sex performs", so the next time a man refuses to talk about his emotions, I will scold him for giving in to societal pressures to live up to a socially imposed set of rules for how people of his physical sex should or shouldn't act. Socially imposed rules also dictate that we cannot breed with immediate family members or eat our young... but how many men will complain about those?
Another point I would like to make is that we are to a degree different than our ancestors. Our ancestors lived in simple societies, comprised of probably no more than a few family groups. The group worked together to ensure the well being and nurturing of the offspring. In today's society, we are told that we should value our independence. That we should move away from our parents and pursue lives outside of their control. Extended family no longer plays the role it used to in society. We stick our children in day-care programs and our elderly in homes so we don't have to deal with them. Obviously, in the days of our ancestors, we didn't have these options. Women carried their babies everywhere they went, and that included the times where they had to gather foodstuffs while the men went hunting. Now, women pursue an education and a career. Speaking of education, our ancestors survived doing nothing but living every day as it came, finding food, protecting themselves and each other... they didn't go to school, they didn't wear nice clothes, they didn't sit for 8 hours a day on a computer either. There is almost NOTHING about modern humans that is truly comparable with our ancestors. Also, there are societies that have reversed gender roles... men are seen as the more emotional sex, and women as the stronger ones. I fully expect men to shed the facade that they are emotionally distant and incapable of being hurt or insecure. I call bullshit sirs.
If you are a man, and you tell me you don't believe in monogamy because it's a social construct that our ancestors didn't have, then I fully expect you to run around naked, hunting your own game and living outside with no amenities. Just saying... you might be happier with a permanent mate and a chance to play some sweet MMORPGs or FPSs while enjoying pizza and beer.
That's right fellas. Wanna shed those pesky moral restrictions in favor of going back to the freedom of those good old days? NO. MORE. BEER. Also, no porn. Australopithecines didn't have beer, porn or video games. But ya know what they had? Lots of sex. Sex with women that were hairy, smelly and had saggy boobs. Those lucky bastards, they had it so well! Damn society and our damn rules!
My note to men: If you're going to use the excuse that our ancestors weren't monogamous, therefore, we shouldn't be either... I will science you to the motherfucking FACE. Come prepared. I love a challenge.
Hell hath no fury like a woman with a degree in anthropology ;)
So all the pieces are falling together in this really crazy puzzle that is my life. Sure some things going on really suck, but I am much happier having had the chance to learn so much about myself and people at 24 years old... things people twice or three times my age haven't figured out yet. I'm a pretty fucked up puzzle, but my pieces are brightly-colored, covered in glitter and glow in the dark. I'm a freak, and I love it.
Concluding This Bitch
I don't say any of this stuff out of anger... if anything, I relish the fact that all of this shit happening to me gave me the opportunity to take care of myself instead of trying to take care of everyone else. I get to hang out with amazing friends, and I get to psychoanalyze the hell out of myself, and research stuff I love to point out that men simply don't know what they're talking about sometimes :) I admit, I like being smart. It's what I love about myself.
So if you ever ask yourself "why should I bother being friends with this person?", I will tell you: you should like me because I'm smart. I love to study astronomy, biology (concentrating in genetics), geology, anthropology, psychology and chemistry. You should like me because I have the ability to study a situation rationally, doing my best to see the perspective of all parties involved. You should like me because while not in the best shape ever, I do eat well and do pilates, at least 3 hours a week. You should like me because I don't feel the need to be pampered, catered to, or spoiled. I can, and enjoy, taking care of myself. I take pride in my ability to not need a man to survive. You should like me because I am a kid at heart. I believe in educating children about the world outside of our own country. I would want my child to grow up bilingual, like I did. You should like me because as much as I take an interest in fashion and presenting myself as a refined woman, I love video games. I love comics. I love anime shows. I love Muppets and shows like Futurama. You should like me because I believe in equality. If I argue with you, I will do my best to only argue points that I can back up. I don't believe in starting drama or fights out of boredom, and I know when to admit I'm wrong. You should like me because I believe nature and animals are equal with human. I will never treat an animal worse than a human, and I will never treat a human worse than an animal. You should like me because I love to travel, I enjoy a wide variety of music, though I generally do not find happiness in Country music. Sorry. You should like me because I will never drag you to a RomCom you don't want to see. I actually prefer action movies and comedies to anything romantic in nature. My dad had me watching old Jackie Chan movies by the time I was 7/8. Robin Hood: Men in Tights is my favorite movie of all time. Mel Brooks is pretty much a god. You should like me because I like beer. I like it a lot. I don't drink it all the time, because I don't want to be a fatty, but I really like drinking beer. Blue Moon is the bomb. I've never had a Coors, a Budweiser, or a Miller. I don't really plan on ever doing it either. I tend to not enjoy drinking something that looks THAT MUCH like pee. I do admit my use of profanity is at times a bit much, but when writing something THIS long and personal, I have to at least get my frustration out in writing :P
I think I should clarify too that I am in no way, shape, or form mad at the guy for semi-peacing out on me. I understand that sometimes something happens and people just need to deal with it, and while it sucks to get put on the chopping block as a friend/potential interest/whatever, there's not a lot I can do to make someone understand that what they're doing is using a pretty crappy defense mechanism, and it's ok to talk about the shit that is pissing them off, or what emotions they might be trying to avoid dealing with. Society tells us to bottle shit up, but look at where that put us... so many people now go to therapists, and all they really do is make us open up about our feelings, and then they tell us how to deal with those emotions. If we just dealt with them in the first place, starting at a young age, we wouldn't have as many issues as we do these days. This guy once told me "no one wants to be judged", and while I generally agree with that... what does it matter? I mean, honestly, if someone judges you for something, why would you put any value in their words? If they're too shallow or insecure with themselves that they have to resort to demeaning and teasing other people, are they really worth your time?
I want to make this absolutely clear: People who judge you, do so because they are insecure. They cannot deal with their issues, and try to make themselves feel better by telling themselves how much someone else sucks, or they convince themselves they are pretty by nitpicking every physical detail of another human being. They tell you that you'll never find someone, that you'll always be alone. In reality, these people are the ones constantly fearing breakups and loneliness. Everyone is worthy of being loved. Everyone is worthy of having people around them who don't judge their looks or actions, and embrace them for who they are.
I honestly would be surprised if someone read this whole thing... I expect at least ONE person to write "TL;DR". I will give that person a cookie.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Oh, what's this, an actual post?
Well since I can't post separate entries on separate pages here, I suppose I can rant every now and again on this one, right?
SO
There's a lot of shit going on in my life right now... not like I need anything more to deal with, but it is what it is. Hopefully people get their shit together and calm down because I really kinda like having them in my life...
In happier news, I've decided to apply for field school this summer. Blame Emilie. It's going to be tough work, let me tell ya... a month away from home, doing back breaking labor day in and day out.... scuba diving. Wait, wha? That's right bitches, field school is in the Caribbean. It was obviously a tough choice to make, as I'm sure it would be for you.
I just figured that with everything going on in my life, I need a vacation. I've actually been saying that for a long time, but I've pretty much come to the decision that I'm going to stop trying to make everyone else happy, and for once in my life just do something completely selfish. Fuck work. Fuck bills. Fuck doing nice shit for other people, because very few actually do nice stuff for me (yeah yeah, I know... doing things selflessly is totally the right thing, and for the most part, I don't give with the expectation of getting anything back... but dammit, it would be nice once in a while!).
Other than that, I've renewed my interest in pilates. I've always thought it was cool, I was just too lazy to do it. A few weeks into doing it, and I'm kicking myself for not having started it sooner. I'm now at the point where I'm starting to SEE a difference, and it's insanely rewarding. Not to mention motivating me to keep my lazy ass doing it! I really want to take up yoga though... I naturally have a lot of nervous energy, and it tends to manifest in fairly annoying ways... how else could I sent a 5 page text in one minute? My blood is probably also infused with coffee form my job, which totally doesn't help!
anyways... rant is over for now... I'm going to sit here and laugh at how horribly bad these ExtenZe commercials are.
SO
There's a lot of shit going on in my life right now... not like I need anything more to deal with, but it is what it is. Hopefully people get their shit together and calm down because I really kinda like having them in my life...
In happier news, I've decided to apply for field school this summer. Blame Emilie. It's going to be tough work, let me tell ya... a month away from home, doing back breaking labor day in and day out.... scuba diving. Wait, wha? That's right bitches, field school is in the Caribbean. It was obviously a tough choice to make, as I'm sure it would be for you.
I just figured that with everything going on in my life, I need a vacation. I've actually been saying that for a long time, but I've pretty much come to the decision that I'm going to stop trying to make everyone else happy, and for once in my life just do something completely selfish. Fuck work. Fuck bills. Fuck doing nice shit for other people, because very few actually do nice stuff for me (yeah yeah, I know... doing things selflessly is totally the right thing, and for the most part, I don't give with the expectation of getting anything back... but dammit, it would be nice once in a while!).
Other than that, I've renewed my interest in pilates. I've always thought it was cool, I was just too lazy to do it. A few weeks into doing it, and I'm kicking myself for not having started it sooner. I'm now at the point where I'm starting to SEE a difference, and it's insanely rewarding. Not to mention motivating me to keep my lazy ass doing it! I really want to take up yoga though... I naturally have a lot of nervous energy, and it tends to manifest in fairly annoying ways... how else could I sent a 5 page text in one minute? My blood is probably also infused with coffee form my job, which totally doesn't help!
anyways... rant is over for now... I'm going to sit here and laugh at how horribly bad these ExtenZe commercials are.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)