Loyalty and Priorities

These two things I feel are no longer valued by anyone but myself.

What the hell happened to people? All I hear from certain people is how much they miss their friends because they're so loyal... well what the fuck. Are you? No.

And to other friends, what the fuck happened to priorities... men have their "bros before hos" motto, and last I checked, women were supposed to live by at the very least a similar code... but not so.


My hope for humanity is diminishing faster today than ever before... maybe it's just because my body has decided that anything over two beers will make me pissy as fuck (aka not totally sober, but fuck you, I'm conscious of what I'm writing). I don't care who this fucking offends... if I'm pissed off at you, you probably deserve it... well, you deserve me being pissed, but whether or not my ranting and raving is warranted is subject to opinion.


Speaking of opinions, I realize everyone has one... and everyone is entitled to one... but who the fuck do people think they are when they think their opinion is the only right one? Does no one realize that sometimes things aren't the way they seem? Are people SO afraid to admit they're wrong?

You know what? I'm wrong. I'm wrong a lot. I don't like it, and I sure as hell don't like to admit it when I am, but I'm wrong a lot of the time... when I thought humans were capable of acting like mature adults, I was wrong. People stop maturing in high school. I'm looking at you crazy bitch that went off at me at work because you took someone else's drink and said it was yours, then blamed me for not taking your order correctly. Fuck you. When I asked if you wanted 3 drinks total and you said "yes", you agreed to my motherfucking terms of service... that being that I charge you for three drinks, you pay for three drinks, and TAKE ONLY THREE FUCKING DRINKS. Not four. You and your daughter can fuck off. (Note: this happened about a year ago, but I'm using it as an example). Obviously I feel strongly that everyone acts immaturely at times... but goddamit, there just are certain things that aren't worth the fucking effort. People: Get over yourself. You're not god. You don't know everything.

Maybe it's just the culture I grew up in that makes me bitter... sure, no one was perfect, but there was always someone to call if you were having a shitty day. Friendships didn't have to be deep or serious for someone to be there for you... and all of a sudden, it's fucking impossible to find anyone here to talk to when I'm having a shitty day... and when I say "shitty", I don't mean "oh, work was kinda crap, but other than that everything was cool"... NO. I mean hearing "your dad is having serious health issues and refuses to see a doctor about them because he thinks he's lived this far through it that he'll just keep living". A day before I have to leave the country for a month. Because what I REALLY FUCKING NEED right now is to worry for a month that I'm going to get a call from my mom saying she woke up and my dad was fucking dead. Realize that for me, my dad is the world. I love my mom to death, but my dad is my buddy... he's the one person on this planet that REALLY fucking gets me. The ONLY person I have (or had) undending respect for. I don't respect his laughing at my mom and I crying begging him to see a doctor before it's too late.


This is why I don't bother dating... men are too fucking stubborn, and anyone who knows me knows I'm stubborn, so for me to think someone is stubborn is to say that someone could tell you they have blonde hair, be standing right in front of them with blonde hair, and they'd say "no you aren't, you're obviously a red-head".

This is why I specifically surround myself with gay men, and men I would never in a thousand years want to date.... emotional attachment makes people weak, and I refuse to be like the general population. Yes, I am capable of being emotionally attached to someone, but I form those attachments VERY carefully... I'm too aware of people's flaws... the serious ones... to ever let myself give myself 100% to another human being.

But ya know, maybe I'm just bitter... but jesus christ, you would be too if you gave 110% to someone who for damn near 4 years was an emotionally abusive asshole who constantly reminded you how easily you could be replaced. He was also physically abusive... think I'm lying? Check out the bathroom door that was busted down.... sure the maint. crew kinda patched it up, but you can still see where it's split down the middle... also there's that poorly patched hole in the wall. Or that knuckle indentation in my front door (on the inside of the apt.). Or the one time he actually left a bruise... albeit a small one, because he would commonly remind me that he would beat the shit out of me and never leave a mark (it's really quite easy to do... actually...).

Rule #1: NEVER date a man with anger/rage issues. This pretty much rules out me dating any of my guy friends, so I'm pretty set. This also rules me out from dating myself, but I'm fairly sure that's normal.

Rule #2: Never give more of yourself to a person than they give to you... no really... don't. I'm living proof of this, and I still struggle with it. I go balls to the wall for my friends, and when push comes to shove... guess who's a fair weather friend? 99.99% of them. 100% if you're only considering NC... but what should I expect? People to actually be something other than selfish? I really hope whatever these people were doing tonight was more important, and of course more FUN, than sitting at home crying because you're afraid of losing your best friend and have absolutely no one in the area to talk to or you know.... derive any sort of comfort from.


For now, I'm back to drinking beer and watching Bones. When all else fails, I'll always have science... it hasn't let me down so far anyways.